But I still haven’t had the courage to show them the lyrics, even though they’ve been giving me curious glances for the last two hours we’ve spent sitting in our living room, trying to be productive. Beck is working on another song, while Jax and Colin are taking care of our social media accounts. Jax just had the brilliant idea that our search for a label could take care of itself if we went viral on TikTok.
They know I wrote a song with Rayne, and they know she wants to go with us to the studio and record it. I just feel stupid that I don’t know if that’s still on anymore, since a single kiss plunged us into total chaos. It’s not that I think she’d change her mind, but I also didn’t think that we would kiss, and now it’s totally strange between us. And by strange, I mean it’s too quiet.
Since Friday we haven’t spoken or texted with each other. It’s been weeks since we’ve gone this long without hearing from each other, and I have no delusions that it’s not because of that damn kiss. Neither of us knows how to deal with it.
Only friends. Only friends, dammit.
I can tell myself that as many times as I want, but it doesn’t do any good. I still can’t help thinking about her, the taste of her mouth. I can’t block the images that keep running through my head. Rayne doing ballet in form-fitting leotards and tights. Rayne dancing in her contemporary class wearing an oversized shirt that I wish was one of mine. My hat on her head, a little too big for her. The way she lies on my bed, her long hair spread out around her like a fan. The way she stares at the glowing stars on the ceiling and rocks her legs to the beat of the music. Her lips are always moving; she knows the lyrics to every song by heart. I have no idea why I find that so sexy, but I do.
I can’t stop thinking about it all, and my body reacts like it’s fifteen instead of twenty-two. I get much too hot and... shit. I have to stop thinking about her that way, otherwise we can forget about our friendship. Even though in one way I’d like to do that, the thought of losing her is much harder to bear than that of never kissing her again, never feeling her bare skin under my hands, not falling asleep next to her and waking up with her the next morning. Fuck, I have to get a grip on myself.
We’re. Just. Friends.
My phone vibrates, interrupting my thoughts. I pull it out of my pocket so fast that I almost drop my guitar, and Beck, who’s standing next to me, jumps in surprise.
“What’s wrong?” He gives me an accusing glance, but there’s agleam of amusement in his eyes, as though he knows exactly what’s going on.
“Nothing,” I murmur and put the guitar on the sofa before it actually falls. My heart is pounding with excitement because I have the completely naive hope that it’s Rayne texting me. I’m so screwed.
“Did she text?” Colin asks without looking up from his phone. “Then at least we could get back to work, if you stop mooning over Text Girl.”
“Dude, she has a name.” Jax punches Colin’s shoulder, but he just laughs and shakes his head.
Rolling my eyes, I tap the screen and sigh with relief when I see the Instagram notification. It’s strange that we still write to each other there, even though we got each other’s numbers ages ago and the messaging on Insta is a total disaster. But neither of us has ever changed to a different app. Maybe we’re just holding on to how we started.
I open the app first and then our chat, even though part of me dreads reading what she wrote because it could just as easily be the end.
It’s not.
mockingbird:
How’s the song going? Are you rehearsing yet?
I stare at the message, blinking, and for a moment I don’t know what to say because I wasn’t expecting something like this. So normal. As usual.
What did you expect? That she would want to talk about the kiss again?
That would be unlikely. She made her point of view pretty clear. Still, I feel disappointed because somehow I was expecting something more.
“Everything okay, East?”
I can feel Beck’s curious gaze on me as I stare motionless at my phone, trying to comprehend how her message can be so damn normal.
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” I clear my throat and then force myself to reply.
eastcoleman:
No, not really.
I bite my lower lip, waiting to see if she’s still online. It only takes a couple of seconds before the message is marked as read.
mockingbird:
Why? Don’t you want to go to the studio? It would be totally okay if you don’t, just wanted to check.
eastcoleman:
Yes, of course I do. I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to.
