He sounds so much like home. I cry because I can’t help it. Everything hurts. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much?
“Hey, Dad,” I manage to say, choking back a sob. I wipe the tears off my cheeks. “I don’t know what to do.”
No one answers. Of course they don’t. Dad keeps singing. I’m listening to “Mockingbird” because it’s the only song that makes sense right now. The song that started it all.
“Is it crazy that I’m talking to you guys here? Probably, right? Talking to yourself is a little crazy.” I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them. “How do you know what choice to make?How am I supposed to know what to do? Whether to stay or go with him? How is that supposed to work?”
The song fades and starts again.
“I wrote a song, Dad,” I say. The memory of that night on the beach, Easton and me in the van, pen and notebook in hand, fills me with a painful longing. “I wrote a song with Easton, and he asked me to go to LA with him. The guys got an offer, and he asked me to come. And I want to. I really do, but I don’t know if I can. I mean, it’s crazy, right? What would I do in LA? Easton and I have only been together for a few weeks. Leaving with him now is totally crazy. I mean, who does that? You would have killed me if I’d made a decision like that just for a guy.”
For a moment I almost believe he’s going to answer, just for a split second, because I need it so badly. But of course he doesn’t.
“But I want to go with him, Dad. I want to go with him because he’s my best friend, and because what we have is... real.” I suppress a laugh.
You and I are real, Rayne.
“If he goes and I stay, it just won’t work. But how can I leave here now? I came because of Mom. I wanted to be like her because she wanted that so much, you know? She was always a little sad that I loved music more than ballet. I know she didn’t really mind, though. She just wanted us to have something together, and I wanted that too. I still want that. God, I miss her so much.” A tortured sob breaks out of me, and I cover my face with my hands, even though there’s no one there to see my tears. “I’m afraid I’ll disappoint her if I go back, you know?”
Hearts can break from time to time. Fragile little souls, Dad continues singing, and I can’t breathe anymore. Everything hurts. Eastonshould be here; I need him to hold me and tell me it’s okay. It’s okay to break down, to not want to decide, to be afraid.
I want him to tell me what Dad would tell me. Because Dad would say that no matter what I choose, I wouldn’t disappoint Mom. The most important thing to her was that I was happy. And that’s why I should do exactly what makes me happy.
Ballet doesn’t make me happy. It never did, and I think deep down I knew that all along. Every day in every lesson, I fought so hard to achieve something that just wasn’t right for me. I knew it then, but I pushed it away because I had no idea what else to do, where to go, what to dream of.
But my dream was actually there the whole time. I just didn’t dare to let it in. It was already there before Mom and Dad died, back when I was just texting Easton. He asked me what I wanted to do, and my answer was simple.
“Do you think I can do it, Dad? Can I write songs?”
You can do anything, little bird.
He said that so many times, every time I doubted myself.
“I want this. I think I really want this. Everything else here is nice, but it doesn’t feel right. It feels like a part of me is missing. And I don’t think I’ll find it here,” I say. Suddenly it’s easy to make a decision, with Mom’s picture in front of me and Dad’s voice in my ear.
Spread your wings, untie your chains
Let your voice be heard
We’ll be dancing in the rain
My lovely mockingbird
I have to be brave and fly.
Chapter 49
Easton
Hollywood—Lewis Capaldi
Rayne isn’t answering her phone, even though I’ve been trying to reach her for hours. My texts aren’t going through either, and she hasn’t responded to the message I left on her voicemail. I’m trying not to freak out, but it’s damn hard.
It’s so hard that eventually I text Jase and ask him if Rayne is okay. His reply comes quickly, but it only calms me down a little.
Jase:
Don’t worry, she’s out with Zoe and Mae. Zoe said it was a girls’ night out as a distraction.
