“Hey, please don’t cry,” he says, sounding as if he’s about to cry himself. Which somehow makes everything worse.
“I’m sorry.” Sniffing, I wipe the tears from my cheeks, but it’s pointless because more immediately follow.
“You don’t have to be sorry.” He reaches for me, his hands stroking my back soothingly.
“Yes, I do. I’m terrible. I’m happy for you, I really am. I’m soproud of you! You’ve worked so hard for this. And that’s incredibly great!” I sob into his chest, clearly not finding it great at all.
“You’re not terrible!” He sounds a little helpless, and I immediately feel even worse.
“Yes, I am!” I break free from his embrace and step back a little because his touch only makes everything worse, because it reminds me that soon this might not be possible anymore. My head is a mess. I know I have to think clearly, calm down, but I can’t. I’m breathing too fast, my heart is racing, and I can’t stop crying. “I’m standing here with you, crying, instead of celebrating with the band. I’m terrible and selfish and... God, I hate this. Why am I like this?”
“You’re not terrible,” he repeats firmly.
I just shake my head.
“You’re not selfish either.”
“Yes, I am! Your dream is finally coming true, and all I can think about is that soon you’ll be in LA and I’ll be stuck here in Boston, and that thought alone hurts like hell!” My voice gets louder with every word, and I lose control, even though the last thing I want is to argue with Easton. But I’m feeling too much and I need to get it all out, otherwise I’ll go crazy.
“Do you think I feel any different? Do you think I haven’t thought about that?” he snaps, suddenly just as angry as I am. Although it’s more despair than anger. Or a mixture of both.
“No, but—”
“They might not even take us,” he says, interrupting me. “Maybe we’ll fly to LA, get to know the people, and in the end it turns out they don’t want us after all. Maybe it’s not the right fit.”
“That’s silly. It’ll work out! They’d be stupid not to take you, and you know it.”
“I don’t know. But maybe—”
“Oh no, don’t you dare! Don’t say that!” I shout.
His chin juts forward defiantly and he glares at me. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
“Of course I do. You were going to say that it might not be right for you, that this whole label thing might not be worth it.”
Easton is silent, and that’s answer enough.
“Don’t do it,” I beg him. “Don’t try to convince yourself not to take it. Not for me. You want this.You allwant this. It’s all you’veeverwanted. Don’t ruin it because of me.”
“If it were just about me—”
“It’s not just about you. It’s about you and your best friends, your brothers, damn it. And even if it were just about you... You’ve been fighting for this for so long. For ages. This is your biggest dream, Easton.”
“But it’s about you too, Rayne! It’s aboutus. What if they sign us? What if we move to LA? What will happen to us then?”
“I don’t know, okay?” I yell at him, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong, and I hate myself for being like this. I want to stop, but I can’t. Suddenly it’s back, that horrible fear of losing him. Maybe it was there all along, somewhere beneath the surface where I couldn’t really see it, where I could deny that it existed. Now I can’t deny it anymore.
He’s going to leave and I’ll be alone all over again. Different this time, but in a weird way, the same. I’ll be alone, and when I think about it, I can’t breathe; everything hurts. My palms are getting clammy, my forehead is throbbing painfully, my vision blurs,and it takes a second before I can see properly again. None of this is fair, especially not the words that come out of my mouth next. I want to stop them, stop myself, but I don’t know how. I’m losing control, and I’m ruining everything. Because fear is consuming me. Quickly and without mercy.
“Maybe it’s fate. Maybe we were only meant to be together for a limited time, maybe...”
“Don’t start with that bullshit,” he whispers.
I grimace because it was just a stupid attempt at an excuse anyway. But I had to at least try, right? Easton takes a deep breath and reaches for my hand. Part of me wants to pull away, but my body fights against the urge. My fingers intertwine with his of their own accord, and everything inside me suddenly calms down.
“You and me, we’re real, Rayne. We’re real. I love you. And whatever happens in LA this weekend, we’ll work it out, okay? We’ll find a way.”
My lower lip trembles as I look at him and nod. I have to nod, there’s no other option. He has to be right.
