He nods, of course he remembers. It wasn’t that long ago, after all.
“I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do it without her. And now I feel the same way, only worse, because things are going really well now, and maybe those stupid bastards are right,” I blurt out.
“Which part of the crap in those articles are you referring to? Just so I know what I have to talk you out of.” Beck nudges me in the side, and I grimace.
“What if it’s true? What if I just used her?” I ask quietly.
Beck doesn’t answer. He stays silent until I have to look at him, and then he returns my gaze incredulously.
“Do you want me to punch you now or later?” he asks, trying to sound friendly, and I roll my eyes.
“I’m serious.”
“Yeah, me too. East... Jeez. You know that’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“You tell me.” He changes his tactic. I should have seen it coming; after all, I know him as well as he knows me. “Did you use her?”
My heart skips a beat. Everything in me resists Beck’s question. And with that, I guess I have my answer. But I’m not ready to admit it. My mind isn’t cooperating. The doubts are too loud and I wish I could just turn them off. But it’s not that easy.
“Not consciously.” It’s a small concession I’m willing to make.
“Not even subconsciously.” His voice has taken on a gentle undertone that I haven’t heard from him in a long time.
“But what if she thinks I was?” I can’t look him in the eyes, staring at my hands instead as my shoulders tense painfully.
“You don’t really believe that, do you?”
I slowly shake my head. No, not really. But in another way, I somehow do. Why is everything so damn complicated? Why the hell am I like this?
“You would never take advantage of anyone. Especially not Rayne. This thing between the two of you started long before you even knew who she was.”
My fingers close around the bracelet on my wrist. He’s right. Iknowthat. But knowing something and feeling it are two completely different things.
“I hate my mind,” I mumble.
“Don’t say that. Your mind is great. You do some pretty good things with it. Writing songs, for example. Damn good songs. None of us can write like you, East.”
“I’m better with Rayne.”
“What’s wrong with that?” he asks, and I guess that’s the million-dollar question.
“Nothing,” I admit with a sigh. “The thing is... I want to write with her. I want to write a thousand songs with her. Because everything is better with her. And easier. So why can’t I get the idea out of my head that I have to do it alone?”
“I’d love to tell you that there’s a logical explanation for that, and I’m sure there is. If I’d studied psychology, I might be able to tell you. But I didn’t, and I can’t. Just give yourself some time, okay? And talk to Rayne about it. I think that might help.”
I roll my eyes and smile lamely. “Talking helps? Really?”
He laughs. “I’ve heard rumors.” He stands up and slaps me on the shoulder. “Now go talk to her. She knows all about drama with the press. I’m sure she can talk you out of this mess even better than I can.”
“Hmm, you’ve done a pretty good job already.”
“I’m good at this. Now I’m going to go see if Jax needs any help. He’s taking this too hard, but at least he’s not as emotionally involved as you are.” He’s almost at the door when I stop him again.
“Hey, Beck?”
He glances back at me questioningly over his shoulder.
