Despite everything, he missed that connection with her.
They continued down the path and found Roger on a high rock. A half-filled glass was beside him and the lake in front was fringed with the dark shadows of trees against the deep purple sky.
“Roger?” called Nico.
Roger didn’t turn but raised an arm in acknowledgment.
“Is there something going on?” whispered Valerie, but Nico didn’t answer because he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Roger was normally withdrawn on this day, so much so that Nico had scheduled it lightly for years without asking or knowing the reason. Now, he was certain it had to do with Yvette.
They sat on the rock. “No luck in Goderich, then,” he said, not moving his eyes from the lake, his fingers picking at the rusty lichen.
“I’m sorry,” said Valerie.
“I thought it could be the end,” Roger said quietly. “Or the beginning, but at least I’d finally know and could move forward. It’s getting harder to be here with everyone and not want to shake them into telling me. How could they lie like that?”
Nico put aside the easier platitudes to say the truth. “I don’t know.”
“Me neither.” Roger rolled his shoulders and shuddered. “God, I’m so mad, you know?” He gestured wildly in the direction of the house.“I saw Jenn and Fernie going for a walk and laughing, enjoying each other’s company. It suddenly made me angry they could have those moments and I’d missed thirty years of memories.”
They stayed silent as Roger downed his drink, staring at the lake.
“It comes in waves,” he said. “I’ll be there working on a strategy plan or something, and then boom. Fury. Rage. Why me? Why do they get to be happy and I don’t?”
“I don’t know,” Valerie said, keeping her voice soft, like she was trying to soothe an injured kitten.
Roger pulled himself up. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s not your job to deal with this. I shouldn’t dump on you two.”
“Do you have someone to talk to?” she asked. Nico was glad she did. It hadn’t occurred to him.
“I don’t need a shrink.” Roger laughed. “I’m notcrazy. There’s nothing wrong with me and this will be fine once I find my daughter and Yvette.”
A speedboat zoomed by, breaking the lovely peace of the lake with rough laughter and last year’s song of the summer. Roger picked up his glass and looked at it as if astonished it was empty. He put it down with a sigh.
“Anniversaries are so weird,” he said. “I have the day I met Yvette and the last day I saw her, but the one I think of every year is the first time she said she loved me.”
“Is that today?” Valerie asked.
“It’s seared on my memory even though it was so long ago. I usually go to a crowded bar and think about it, because it’s too depressing to do on my own.” He cast a sideways glance at Nico. “I noticed what you were doing with my calendar.”
“It seemed like you needed a break.” He should have known Roger would pick up on it.
“I did. I appreciate you doing that, Nico. It’s the one day a year I let myself wallow in what-ifs. Pathetic, huh?”
“It’s not,” said Valerie. “Want to tell us what you think about?”
“The strangest things. How her hair looked in the wind. She’d always get a few strands stuck to her lip and would make the cutest face because she hated it. I wonder what she’s doing and if she still loves dumplings.” He stared at his glass. “This day is like a trigger for decades of compounding regrets and doubts. What if I had looked for her right away. What if I’d gotten married to someone else or refused to take over the Bread Company. Moved to British Columbia the way I wanted to. It’s sad, you know, thinking about all the things that could have been. I always thought that line about it being worse to regret the things you didn’t do rather than the things you did was total bullshit.”
“Not now?” Valerie asked.
“I guess it all sucks in the end,” he said. “Stuff you did and stuff you didn’t. It’s only a different kind of hurt.”
Family. Regrets. Nico thought about Stefanie and that double rainbow. She was obnoxious, yes. She’d never apologized for beeping like a robot when he organized his parents’ pantry. Or for messing up his books to color-code his shelves like a rainbow. It had taken him days to get them back to their usual alphabetical setup, and he’d never found his copy ofThe Left Hand of Darkness.
Nor had he apologized for all the shitty little brother things he’d done to her, in their ongoing game of tit for tat. Over time, the small problems had intensified until he’d been unable to see her actions as anything but deliberately malicious. Were they? Or was Stefanie operating under a different assumption about their relationship? He’d never told her he’d had enough and had simply withdrawn. Now they were at the point where they couldn’t even have a conversation.
Hearing Roger talk about his disappointments like this made him wonder if he was hurting himself most.
Valerie reached out to give Roger a hug. “When I started Ad Astra, one of the things I learned was that everyone has remorse.Everyone had something they wished they’d done when their loved one was still alive, like visit more or apologize or listen. Mostly, they wished they’d tried, the way you’re trying. That’s one huge regret you won’t have.”
