Ari—Why? You broke my heart at the airport but Kit hyeong told me this was impossible. We hadn’t known each other long enough for it to hurt this much but it does. He doesn’t understand that the time doesn’t matter, only how I was with you and you were with me. I tried to hide it from him but I couldn’t. The plane ride was endless.
Ari—I don’t know why I keep thinking of you. People usually want gifts or favors from me but not you. What was it, then?
Ari—We are in Seoul together, and I can pretend we are a normal couple. I like it. I like you. I took this photo in the car because the lights played on your face like a galaxy and I was lost among the stars.
Ari—You’re gone and I don’t blame you but I already miss you. I went to the hotel Yeong brought you to but you weren’t there.
Ari—I made a mistake. You were right. I should have retracted the company’s statement when they refused to change it and gone public with the truth. I told myself it would make things worse for everyone but I was wrong. The members are shocked. We always said StarLune was more than ourselves but Kit hyeong told me our strength comes from supporting each other as individuals. They’re furious at the company, who won’t listen to any of us. They’re disappointed in me but not as much as I am in myself.
Ari—Alex won’t tell me a word but he says you’re safe.
Ari—I’m so sorry. I know I did wrong. You were right. I gave up when I should have protected you. I should have tried harder. I should have done more.
Ari—You’re back in Toronto. You had to endure that terrible crowd because of me but my heart lifted to see you.
Ari—I woke up early to go for a walk. It’s getting colder so I hope you wrap up well and stay healthy. Please make sure to eat.
Ari—I had Alex hire a company to restore your reputation. I hope this helps you.
Ari—I know you won’t be watching but I made our sign today on Sangjun’s livestream. It made me feel better.
Ari—I’ve been thinking about the music I want to make. I spoke to Daehyun and he feels the same but had been scared to tell me. It was good to speak with him about this, and I wish I had that courage long ago. We told the others as well.
Ari—It’s three in the morning but I can’t sleep. We were in the dance studio today for hours and I thought it would tire me enough to rest but I lie awake thinking of you.
The messages are a mix of what he’s doing that day and how he feels, like journal entries. Some are only a line, and some are longer, almost a full screen. I don’t realize I’m crying until a tear drops on the keyboard.
The last message is from last week.
Ari—We’re about to go onstage. How can I love and hatesomething so equally? StarLune is everything to me but it took you away. I thought it was bad before I left for Canada but that was an acute pain that I could dig out like a sliver. This new pain is all through me. I continue to fool myself that that you remain in my life through these messages but it’s getting harder.
I shut the laptop and lie back on the couch, letting the tears stream down my face and puddle in my ears. It’s disgusting and I don’t care.
Hopes, Ari.
I want to be with Jihoon.
Shit, despite everything, I want to be with Jihoon.
How can I be with a man who twice broke my trust, when he didn’t tell me who he was and then when he let Newlight put out that statement and wanted to deny our relationship? I call Hana.
“What’s with these messages?” I demand. “What’s he trying to pull?”
“I imagine he is a man trying to do the best he can.”
“He had a chance to make a difference, but when push came to shove, he never did.”
“No.” She sounds sad.
“How did you get that email?” I ask.
“He sent it to me the other day, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready.” A car honks in the background. “I’m on my way home. I was going to get Thai for dinner.”
“Yeah.” I’m too drained to cook.
Or think.
God, I hate Jihoon.
