He paused to take a sip of his tea, and also because of the emotions that were suddenly swirling inside him. He put his mug down on the desk carefully, aware his hands had started to shake.
“I’ve read hundreds of romance books, and in each one there’s almost always some grand gesture of love: someone saves someone else’s life, or they risk their own reputation or make a big public declaration to prove their love. But for me and Esi, it was never about the grand gestures. Instead, it was the hundreds of little ones, every single day. The bowl of porridge she used to make for me everymorning before work, even though it meant her getting out of bed at four a.m. when she could have stayed asleep. The love notes I used to leave hidden round the house for her to find during the day, or the fact we’ve never once spent the night apart since our wedding day. I know they’re not worthy of a romance novel, but for me, those tiny gestures are what love is really about.”
“Oh Arthur, that’s more romantic than anything I’ve ever read in a book,” Nova said.
“I don’t know about that. But I do know that every good thing in me was put there by Esi. Without her…” He faltered for a moment, suddenly lost for words. “Without her, I’m nothing.”
“You two are very lucky to have found each other, and to still have each other after all this time.”
“We—”
Arthur started to speak but then stopped. He suddenly felt exhausted, his whole body heavy, as if he were carrying a great weight on his back. Although in truth, he’d felt like this for months now, even if he tried to ignore it. He looked across at Nova, who was watching him with her open, trusting face. What would Esi say if she were here now? The same thing she always said, of course. The truth.
“Nova, I’ve not been entirely honest with you.”
“About what?”
Arthur felt as if he were standing on the edge of a precipice, looking down into a vast, bottomless hole.
“Arthur?” Nova was still watching him, concern on her face. “Are you okay?”
“No,” he said, and it was the first time he’d admitted this out loud. “Esi died four months ago, and I’m not okay at all.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Nova
Nova watched as Arthur bowed his head and let out a long, low wail.
Without stopping to think, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. This seemed to trigger something in Arthur, and he began sobbing, his whole body shaking. Nova didn’t say anything and just held him as he cried.
“I’m sorry,” he gulped after several minutes. “I haven’t cried since the day it happened so…” He trailed off, hiccupping.
“Please, don’t apologize. Believe me, I know how you feel right now.”
“I’m sorry about lying to all of you; I just wasn’t ready to admit she was gone. I still talk to her at home and imagine her replies in my head.”
“That’s completely understandable, Arthur. You and Esi have been together for so long.”
“I kept promising myself I’d tell people soon, but the longer it went on, the harder it’s become.”
“Does anyone know the truth?”
“A few, but no one at the community center, and I liked it thatway. I could come down here and carry on going to my Carers Support Group and the book club, and everyone assumed Esi was still alive. While I was here, I wasn’t a widower grieving the loss of his wife but just plain old Arthur. That makes me sound like a fraud, doesn’t it?”
“Of course not. It makes you sound like a man who lost the love of his life and has been in shock.”
“It’s why I read the romance books too,” Arthur said, wiping his eyes with the back of his sweater sleeve. “When I started reading them to Esi, I thought they were so daft. But over the years, I’ve come to love them as much as she did. And now I read them as a way to stay connected with her. When I’m with the Bridgertons or any of her other favorite books, it’s like she’s still here with me.”
“Oh Arthur, I understand. I still wear my red coat because it makes me feel close to my dad.”
He smiled, his eyes bloodshot from crying. “I know I need to tell everyone the truth. It’s not like the lie’s going to bring Esi back, however much I want it to. I have to start being honest with people.” He exhaled slowly, leaning back in his chair. “I’m sorry. We were here to talk about your wedding, and I’ve just sobbed all over you.”
He pointed at the damp patch on her shoulder and Nova smiled.
“That’s okay. But let me find you a tissue.”
She stood up and began to look round the office. There was always a box on Sandy’s desk, but given all the recent upheaval, it looked like she’d used them all up.
