“I guess…That’s part of it,” he admits. “But honestly? It just feels like I don’t know what I would do with my life without it. It’s not like I have a plethora of other skills to fall back on.”
I frown at that. It sounds like Jack might have self-esteem issues and he doesn’t even realize, but I don’t think now is the time to be pointing it out.
“You’ve been playing for years though,” I say. “Don’t you guys usually retire around this age, anyway?”
He grimaces. “Something like that. I’ve been terrified of that too. If I go through with this surgery, am I basically ensuring that this will be my last year? I never wanted to be forced out like this. I wanted to go out on my own terms. It just feels like…It feelslike it’s all being ripped away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
I consider that. Again, I know next to nothing about hockey, but Idounderstand feeling out of control in your own life. I know that intimately. It seems like Jack knows a lot about it, too, which is something I’d never let myself consider before. He just always seems so damned…happy.
“I know a little about how you feel,” I tell him quietly. “I know how it feels when everything around you seems out of your control.”
His expression softens. “Shit. I didn’t even think of that. I’m sure my problems seem like bullshit compared to everything you’ve been through.”
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s not a competition. My suffering doesn’t diminish yours.”
“Spoken like a true psych student.”
“It’s true,” I stress. “You don’t have to compare yourself to other people. You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling without worrying if someone else might have it worse. Psych student or no psych student.”
His mouth parts in surprise, his throat working with a swallow as he stares back at me. I feel a little undone under his scrutiny, like he can see right through me. It makes me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to make this about me.
“Listen,” I say. “I get where you’re coming from, I really do. But you have to realize that if you stop playing hockey, itwon’tbe the end of the world. Even if it feels like it. You still have so much going for you, Jack. You’re funny”—he gives me anahalook—“whenyou’re not being a pain in the ass, and you obviously care a greatdeal about people that are important to you, and you have a wide support system of people who love you. Trust me, that can be a rare thing.”
His brow furrows and his jaw clenches, his eyes falling to his lap as if he’s considering what I’m saying. “I guess…You’re notwrong.”
“Everything is going to be okay,” I tell him. “Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. This is just a bump in the road. Even if you stumble a little, it doesn’t mean you can’t get back up again.”
He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, but after several seconds, he nods slowly before his brown eyes meet mine once more.
“Thank you, Abby,” he says. “This helped, actually.”
His smile is soft, and it’s so incredibly unlike the usual shenanigans I’m used to enduring from him that it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Almost like he’s forcing me to see him asJackinstead of just Lila’s dipshit brother. I don’t know what to make of that feeling.
“You’re welcome,” I say finally. “I’m glad I could help.”
And oddly enough…that’s true. It feels like the universe is out of whack when Jack Baker isn’t smiling.
“I could make you some more BFF nachos as a thank-you,” he says with a grin.
“No, thanks,” I laugh. “I already ate. I actually have some homework I need to get to.”
“Oh, right.” He nods. “Sorry to dip into your study time.”
“It’s fine,” I assure him. “Seriously.”
Jack nods back at me, his smile genuine, and again, it does something strange to my insides. Makes me want to escape thesituation quickly before I have to endure any more of it. I know that I should leave it at this, that this was invasive enough as it is, but my mouth is opening before I can stop it.
“If you ever need someone to talk to,” I hear myself saying, “you know I’m just down the hall.”
His eyes widen with surprise, but then they soften, his lips curling in a grin. “Thanks. I really appreciate that.”
We both just linger on the couch then, several seconds passing between us before I finally shoot upward, feeling awkward all of a sudden.
“Well, I’d better get to that homework.”
“I’ll be making some solo nachos, I guess.”
“I think you eat entirely too many nachos.”
