“In some ways, I want it to be. In fact, that’s why I chose it.”
She waited then, for him to add more. Let the silence spool out, as they pushed through the main doors. The entrance hall was empty—the absolute opposite of what had been that first day, when she’d seen him amid the crowd. And it sunk her deep into a series of complicated emotions.
But once they were at the stairs, she realized he wasn’t talking on purpose. “I take it the choice was one you also now feel awkward explaining.”
“I mean I think you will probably laugh at me for it.”
“Even more reason to immediately tell me, before I figure it out on my own.”
“Or you could just leave it alone. Let me just be humiliated in my head.”
“Is it really that bad? Somehow, I don’t think it is,” she said, though she knew it wasn’t her words that prompted him. It was the hand she let brush against his. The look she gave, of a kind that felt unfamiliar, on her face.
But was obviously not, to him.
He took in that quirk of a smile, and some of his wariness dropped.
“I did it because of Jonathan Harker,” he said, and oh, the impact on her heart, when those words hit. Even after everything that had happened, she wasn’t ready for it. She had to focus for a good thirty seconds on keeping it beating.
It took her an age to get words out.
“Because he’s not the monster of the story.”
“Something like that.”
“He’s the hero.”
“Exactly.”
“He treats her kindly. Takes care of her. Never hurts her.”
“Yes.Yes.He is perfectly human and perfectly able to take care of Mina the way she deserves. So you know. It just felt right,” he said, relaxed enough by her lack of scorn to run with it now. “And even more so when you turned up with that exact name, her name, from the book. Like a sign that I was doing the right thing. I was trying to be the kind of man I should have been—like rewriting the part of history I had ruined. In some other place I was him, and you were completely safe.”
Then he nodded, satisfied.
He strode on, down the hall.
It took him about twenty seconds to realize she wasn’t with him anymore and turned back, confused. And he stayed confused when he saw her standing still, fist clutched to her chest, agony all over face. “What on earth are you crying for?” he said. As if it was absolutely inexplicable that she was.
“Because it’sheartbreaking.”
“Well, I don’t see why. I just wanted to be less evil.”
“But you aren’t. You aren’t, Harker. You aren’t, darling Bram. Did you not hear a thing I said? You are the monster that isn’t one at all. Dracula from the real story before they changed everything around,” she said—much to his mingled frustration and shock. The former for her refusal to let him return to that way of seeing himself, she suspected.
And the latter for his name.
God, his name made him react like someone had knifed him in the chest. He jolted, hard enough that she thought she had done the wrong thing. But then he held out one of those tightly clenched fists. And as she watched, he let it unfurl. He did what he had held back from, a moment ago.
So she took it gladly.
Held it tight.
Went on, with one more piece of acceptance between them. One more step toward something else, something she wasn’t even sure how to name. Though of course there were other things, still in the way.
“We should probably consider whowasthe monster, though,” he said.
And it made her heart jump so hard, she couldn’t help shaking her head.
