The floorboards outside my room creak. Someone is pacing back and forth on the other side of the door, no doubt trying to decide if it’s safe to knock. I shouldn’t let him wake April, so I get up and open the door.
I’m not ready for the sight of him. Not the way he towers inside the doorframe or the fact that he’s in nothing but a worn-out t-shirt and shorts. His eyes are bloodshot, making it obvious he hasn’t been able to sleep either. When he sees me, his breath catches, eyes wandering over my tank top.
“Hey…” My voice is wispy.
He leans away from the doorframe, allowing me enough room to step around him. Carefully, he shuts the door. I’m mesmerized by every movement. The way the veins in his arm twist with the motion of his wrist. The way his shoulders roll when he turns to face me. The way his Adam’s apple moves when he sees me in the dark, staring right back at him.
Here we are. Alone again.
I could have him.
I can’t have him.
“Kayla—”
“We can’t do this, Sid.” I sputter out. “I’m sorry. I amsosorry, but I’ve got to keep things steady. For April.”
He swallows. There’s no hint of surprise on his face, but the disappointment is palpable. “You’re sure that’s what you want?”
What Iwant? Sometimes life isn’t about what we want. But saying that out loud will only encourage him.
“Youpromised,” I say. “You promised when you married me, you were fine with sex being off the table.”
“Yeah… I did.” He runs a hand through his hair.Myfingers should be there. “I just didn’t know how bad this was going to fuck me up.”
“I’m sorry.” I reach for him—then stumble backwards when I realize what I’m doing. Shit, I was so close to touching him. Tonight, that’s all it would take. Maybe once we’ve had a chance for the initial rush to die away, I’ll be able to hug him again, but right now? Contact of any kind is a one-way ticket to his bedroom.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. This is my fault, and I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I don’t even know why I did it. I’m still in love with Curtis. I fell in love, and I lost him. One time. That’s all I’ve got in me.”
I can’t tell if I’m lying or not. I’ve believed it for so long, how can it not be true? But the words sound hollow. The truth is probably much simpler.
I’m not too in love to move on. I’m too scared. “I want you, Kayla,” says Sid, and I lean forward, doubting my own decision. “I’m not going to lie. I want you. But… you’re right. I made you a promise. And no matter how much I want you, I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.”
I let out a shuddering breath. “Thank you. All I want is to keep being friends. You mean so much to me, I just can’t—”
He holds up a hand. “You don’t need to keep apologizing. We both screwed up. We were just… caught off guard. We’ll be ready next time.”
“Next time? There isn’t going to be a next time!”
“I meant next time we have to go to some political event together.”
“Oh.” Right.That. “When will next time be?”
“I got invited to a town hall next week. Usually, candidates bring their partners to things like that.” He folds his arms across his chest. “Do you think you’ll still be able to—”
“Yeah. Sure. I can fake it.” A little too well, apparently.
“Great. Then we’ll be ready.” He nods, then heads for his room. Once his door is shut, I collapse against the nearest wall, sliding slowly down until my butt rests on the floor. I did it. I stopped us from doing anything stupid.
Now I’ve just got to stop feeling like absolute dogshit.
THE NEXT MORNING,April is in high spirits, and the stars be praised for that. Her ongoing high school drama makes for a wonderful distraction and apparently, the Patterson party was a smashing success for her. Once dinner ended, she and Maria hung out together, since what else was there for them to do? All the adults were busy schmoozing.
“—and you’ll never guess what she told me! It’s perfect,” she crows.
“Oh! Are you two friends now?” I ask, blithely hopeful.
“Who cares about that? I have ammo. She kept asking about Carlos. That’s what started it, remember? She made Gia ask if I was sleeping with Carlos. Well, it turns outMariahas a crush on him. Do you know how much power she’s handed me?”
