This can’t be real. “And it’s this?”
“Yes.”
“Shelly.” She knows I can’t. She knows I shouldn’t and yet she’s pushing. The atmosphere shifts as Shelly notes my tone and expression. Then before another word is said, she pulls me into the bathroom and away from Beatrice and Maeve.
“Shelly,” I repeat as the door clicks closed. “You know why I shouldn’t do that. So why—”
She whirls on me in a billow of white. “I want you to live your life, Farren. I know the risks. This is the first boy you’ve ever liked. I’m sure you’ll have more opportunities to fall in love, but if this damn illness has taught me anything, you don’t wait, and you don’t throw a good thing away.”
I breathe in order to not cry. This wedding was rushed for a reason, one reason. The reality of that crashes over me. And while Shelly looks healthierthan I’ve seen her all summer, beautiful beyond measure, the thought of not knowing how much longer I might have her as my big sister hums an ache in my chest so fierce I think I might shatter. Without a word I throw myself at her, hugging her so close our metal shawls clang together.
She tucks me under her chin. “I know what it’s been like for you, Farren. Hiding your power has turned into hiding yourself. Don’t get so used to that feeling that you snuff out your brightness. I need you to remember that even if… even if I’m not here, okay?”
“Shelly,” I squeeze harder as if I can tether her to life. “Please—”
“I need you to be selfish sometimes. Promise me?” Her voice chokes on emotion.
“I’ll promise you if you agree to take some gold.”
“Farren, that’s not necessary,” she warns, almost laughing at how ridiculous I am to keep hammering this point we both know she’ll refuse.
I look up at her. “Or at least let me give you more silver tea. Please, I know how to make it now. Please,” I beg.
“Fine,” she laughs. “You’ve worn me down.”
“About time,” I say, unraveling myself from her hug, careful to not let what I’m sure is some disheveled makeup near her pristine white satin.
She smiles as she cups my face. “The great thing about this agreement is you have to go first.”
Even though I know a setup when I see one, I have no plans to deny Shelly’s request. So, with her friends shooing me out the door, I leave the boisterous energy of the cottage for the silence outside. I sweep across the fields, all the dragons in the barn for one of the first nights in ages. No Rhinoridges sneaking through long stalks. My parents’ Sprinters and Daphine aren’t fishing off the coast. Just the haze of a quiet late afternoon, and yet my heart pounds going to James like this.
In all the preparation and unease, we haven’t really talked about our futures again. I want to just like him. I wish we could be like Jeffrey and Shelly, who after they admitted their feelings, simply dated. I want to choose himwithout feeling like if I do, I’ll be hiding away the other parts of myself, that I’ll be pretending and lying forever.
I knock on the loft door hoping he’s already left, that I can fulfill Shelly’s wish without being alone with him. Because the last time we were alone… I don’t know what comes next if we are left alone again.
The door is thrown open and James stands there, in his dark gray suit and a purple tie, a perfect match to my dress. His curls are less wild. I inhale at how attractive he is.
He stills when he spots me. My heart stutters, nervous of what he’ll think. He’s seen the dress before, being held up by my hands and panicked will. But now it’s fitted to my frame and the seamstress did put in padding, so I actually have a proportional figure. And per Shelly’s request, I’ve attached the shawl to help the neckline stay in place.
“Hi,” I breathe.
“Hi,” he echoes. “You look—”
“You too.” I wave a hand. “You look—”
I laugh which makes him laugh.
“You look beautiful, Walsh.”
“Shelly told me to come and fetch you. I don’t exactly know why,” I lie.
His gaze roves over my dress, the shawl. He bites his lip as he smiles. “I know why. Want to come in for a second?” He opens the door wider.
“I don’t know if I…”
“Trust me, I’m only doing what Shelly would want.”
I step inside cautiously, buzzing with nerves as he closes the door. My eyes flicker to the bed and I jolt attention back to James. Oh god, why am I so flustered? Is this how he felt every time we were alone?
