“She, actually, and it’s for an all-women’s league, so I didn’t steal your spot.”
I try to dissect her tone. Defensive. A little angry. “Even if it was my spot you can have it. If today was my last race, I’d be happy.” When that doesn’t help, I try to hold her hands. “I’m not mad.”
She pulls back farther. “But you’re not worried.”
Because greater than my fear is my desire for her. For years I’ve been hoping Farren might feel half as much affection for me as I do her. Now that she seems to, she’s talking about throwing it away, discarding our feelings like they mean nothing. And after kissing Farren, I never want to go back. I don’t think I can without being tormented for eternity. I know what she tastes like. What she feels like molded against me.
“I’m trying to reassure you. No one knows. And if they did, I’ll say I’m teaching you bronze and silver. That’s the deal.Our deal.”
“And what of my side of the deal—to make sure you can stay here, to protect you? What if your dad learns you’re teaching me? I can’t risk you getting hurt either.” She grips my arm, the one once slung in a cast when I arrived on the sanctuary.
For the first time I let myself conjure my father’s reaction to me teaching Farren silver-crafting. It’s not great.
“You don’t understand how much… how I have to protect them.” Her voice quakes. “And anything between us creates risk of their discovery. We can’t have you returning home or your dad coming here.”
“We won’t let him.” The “how” escapes me, but I’ll wrestle up a solid plan later. Right now I just need Farren to be okay. I need her to see us as a possibility, to not reject us out of fear.
“There’s no guarantee,” she says.
“So you’d sacrifice any potential happiness for maybes and what-ifs?” This is the most vulnerable I’ve ever been with a person. It feels like I’m opening my chest. And the air is frigid.
“I’ve already sacrificed everything else.” Her voice is hollow.
My heart aches for her. She has, hasn’t she? Her ambition. Her status. Her friends. And it’s not done. There will be choices down the line she won’t be able to have, paths cut from her future. Right now, I’m one of them. She could probably get over me, too. In weeks, if not days.
While I’m ruined.
I hearken back to what Jeffrey said in that fabric shop.Farren is not mean-spirited. The worst thing she’ll say is no. Jeffrey was right in that first part. She’s beyond considerate, concerned for the world before herself. He got that second part wrong though. No isn’t the worst thing. Her kiss wasn’t a no. She’s saying,I can’t.
“Aren’t we allowed to be happy?” I ask into the bitter night.
“Not when the world is this ugly. Not when I know what they will do the moment they discover Nity. And I can’t let it be my fault. I’m sorry.”
Farren pulls away and runs back to the house, leaving me alone. Feyling dragons continue to light up the night in the most exquisite of colors. Beauty and happiness, mirrored in me minutes ago, has slipped from my fingers.
And now, I’ve never felt so numb.
CHAPTER THIRTYWHEN YOU’RE METAL TESTED
FARREN
Everything hurts the next morning. My eyes from crying. My heart from breaking open. I crawl out of bed and to the kitchen. Normalcy overwhelms the space. Dad reads the paper. Mom scribbles out a food order while drinking coffee. I join in, cracking eggs and whipping their yolks.
“Unlike James to sleep in,” Mom notes. “Missing Monday morning eggs too.”
From the stove I grunt my answer. Somehow, I know James isn’t sleeping. That he probably feels like me, aching all over. Or maybe even worse. I’m the one that called it off. Who said no. As soon as I fell into bed, I cried myself to sleep. I can’t imagine James Murphy crying. But a month ago I couldn’t imagine his smile, his kindness, the way his lips felt against mine either.
The phone rings and Dad pops up from the table to answer.
Mom stares at me hard. “Did you hurt yourself at the tournament? Did anyone check you out after you saved Colm?”
“I’m fine.”
“Did something happen between you and James?”
“Yeah. He’s upset a Revers recruiter talked to me yesterday instead ofhim.” I busy myself with the eggs. “Arrogant jerk,” I add. But my eyes burn with tears. For the first time in my life I can’t pull them back. It’s like my feelings have opened the floodgates of every other emotion I own. Some so old and tattered I can’t even identify them.
“Oh, honey.” She gathers me up in her arms. “I know it’s hard when you like someone who doesn’t like you back. But right now, we have to keep our heads low.”
