My hands fist. I know I’m shaking. “And when your son sees me … He’s trying to be generous, maybe romantic, but this will upset him. Being angry will jeopardize his recovery. That will be my fault, too.”
“Then don’t lie with him tonight.”
“I read! That’s it. Even if I wanted more, he just wants me to read.”
She picks up a nightgown that’s translucent with lace at the hem. “My son has changed his mind.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what he wants. He hasn’t even tried to kiss me again, not since Lydia told him to banish me.”
She shakes her head. “The child is no longer mad at you. She frets about you. She can read words from the paper.”
“And hear the servants talk. I don’t know what to do.”
She puts a hand to my chin and lifts it. “Tell Jahleel about the servants. And take a bath. You need one. And give Lady Lydia more time.”
I’m stunned. “You’re being nice to me.” I lean against the vanity, trying to calm down. “How much? The months Jahleel has given me will be done soon enough. I don’t know what to do to keep Lydia or your son here.”
She folds her arms, wrinkling the finely woven sleeves of her mustard-colored gown. “Then don’t read. Tell my son you are tired. You have a headache. And tell him to banish any laughing maids.”
“No terminating anyone. And no more lies. He’ll not honor our agreement if I don’t read to him each night. He’ll take Lydia away sooner. I won’t be able to make things up to either of them. I’ll never be forgiven. And if one or both of them gets ill traveling in the cold to St. Petersburg … that will be my fault.”
I’m shaking so hard that I barely feel her grab me with both hands. “Get control of yourself right now. I command it.”
“Why? I’m pathetic. I’ve lost. I’ve lost everything. My clothesaren’t even here. I am nothing. I was Katherine. I was supposed to be great. Then I made a mistake, and now I’ll never be great.”
The princess shakes her finger at me. “Now you listen, Katherine. If your mother were here, she’d slap you and make you take command of yourself.”
“My mother wouldn’t. She’d never—”
“Then I would tell her to. Everyone listens to me.”
“No. Not everyone will obey you. I’d never.”
“Precisely, you once stood up to me. You had … you have dignity. You are brave. That is what my son has always seen. If you want more than reading, be who you truly are: Katherine the Great.”
I want to embrace the princess as if she were my mother, but I stand still covered in rottenness. “I don’t know what to say, other than thank you.”
“You can be great and not perfect. You are human. I see you trying to do your best. Sometimes, you will fail. Failing is part of life. The only way to be assured you fail no more is to be ready for the grave.”
I step away and look at her wise, gentle face, dark olive like my father’s. “How can you be so kind?”
“Your daughter. Despite everything, you have raised her to be smart. She sees everything.” The princess goes to the vanity, and picks up the chrysanthemums. “Lady Lydia says these flowers filled the parlor of the dacha on Ground Street when your mother and your father passed.”
“Mums were my mama’s favorite. Papa sought them out and brought them to her to make her smile. Always after a bout of sickness. Then people brought them to our house when she died.”
“That’s a lovely tribute.”
“And they were present when my brother, Scotland, passed. My father put some on the grave of my newborn—your grandson, your son’s heir. I see these petals and how they fade and curl away. That’s what I think of. Death smells like this to me—pervasive, strong, inescapable.”
She smiles a little as she touches the petals. “For me and all from St. Petersburg, they are hardy. A sign of survival.”
“And that is why you were right, Princess Elizaveta. You were right. Your son and I are too different.” Salty tears sting my hurt cheeks. “How do I make things up to him? I can’t stand the flowers he loves. I couldn’t watch him fight the world while I worried about his health. And I lost his son, the most important part of his legacy, because I was scared and selfish and wanted desperately to be away from death.”
“My heart broke watching Anya suffer. It broke more when she left. I thought of all the things she … she and I will miss, but I don’t regret a moment of her life, even sitting by her bedside. She said I was a comfort. I must believe that.”
Oh. Goodness. Now, I made the princess cry. That must be a punishable act. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean …”
She looks at me with wet, tear-stained gray eyes. “Jahleel was never as sickly as Anya. She suffered so much. I think Jahleel suffers in silence. Pretending he had spring colds. Laudanum is prescribed for everything, even the monthly womb discharge. I had no idea he was as bad off, not until Anya died.”
