His voice regrettably had an edge, but it was impossible to be without emotion about the woman he loved.
She winced like he’d cursed at her. He’d never done that, never would, but he couldn’t be silent and accept her leaving. Cecilia married a man, not a mouse.
“Don’t go through that door, Cecilia. At a door, an entryway, in Stabroek, we decided to be together. Here, you can decide again. Don’t you believe I missed you?”
Palm on the threshold, she stopped and faced him. So pretty, so angry. “You want me. That’s not a reason to stay.”
He hooked his hands together to keep from grabbing the dream that almost slipped away. “Cecilia, my Cilia, give me one more chance to guess what it is you need.”
“You don’t guess about a soul you’re meant to keep. You just know. That’s when it’s meant to be.”
Smoothing her purple coat, she curtsied. “Enjoy the theatre, my lord.” And walked out of his life again.
CHAPTER22
CECILIA—MYLITTLEBOY
As soon as I was out of the theatre, I ran like Demeraran planters chased me. My heart raced and I looked for dogs.
No dogs. No chase. Just more noise of people milling in the streets.
I was in danger, danger of falling into that old rhythm, of letting my heart be fooled by sad, hungry eyes and a searing kiss. I couldn’t be that young girl that married for adventure anymore. Life and death had matured me, and I had my new family, Enna and Noah.
By the time I reached Charles Street, I fumed at myself. Why did I let Felton kiss me?
This hunger for him, all these irrational feelings should be gone.
They weren’t.
His kiss was like it had always been, full and all consuming. In that moment, I was safe and treasured, and beautiful—the woman he desired.
But moments never lasted.
He needed a shiny trinket, a woman like his sister. Someone who’d make menus and entertain his friends, while being frugal and unassuming in all aspects but the marriage bed.
That was not me.
It wasn’t who I aspired to become.
I stopped and looked back. Felton was nowhere to be seen. This route might’ve worked if I’d killed Gladstone. Surely, I could hide in the crowds filling the area.
Link boys held torches and guided carriages to the nearby mews. The area would be packed. I needed to hurry and leave the streets.
Sleep would be hard when I finally crawled onto the sofa.
Helena had asked me who I saw when I closed my eyes. It changed nightly. I often saw her or Demerara and jaguaretes. Sometimes I saw a hero or nothingness.
Tonight, it might be Felton.
Yet, the fear that it wouldn’t be also hurt. It ramped up my guilt. It was very clear Felton was pained at our break.
How did you make your heart stop feeling so much for a man who was wrong for you?
I slowed my footfalls and made it up the back stairs to the place I rented.
Knocking four times was our code, with a pause before the last. The way the door rattled open trembled through me.
Enna let me in and inspected my hands. “You didn’t do it. You didn’t kill anyone.”
