We were in London proper.
We passed the streets that led toward Cheapside. Then I remembered we were going to Blaren House.
“Thank you for asking about Cicely.”
It was the first thing he’d said in a while.
I tried to smile, but I was tired. My head ached, and I was sitting in darkness across from my husband.
“She’s my sister-in-law, and Madame would know about lost mulatto girls. She knows about everything.”
“You know everything, too, Ruth. No wonder you and Madame are friends.”
The tension in his graveled voice felt heavy, like the stones I’d thrown.
“What does that mean?”
“You had to make me take you. You discounted what I said, what I knew to be true. Why is it so hard for you to trust me?”
“Wycliff, I didn’t know we’d be attacked.”
“But I did. Is this enough for you to believe in my precautions?”
“I have to prove myself and my word to everyone. Why are you special?”
He rubbed at his face. It was very red, scarlet.
“Are you mad at me for what just happened or for what happened four years ago?”
“Not mad at you at all. I am mad at me, Ruth. I didn’t think of this as a possibility, that Nickie would be this cruel. This is my fault. I misjudged things badly. When we married, you suffered. You suffered four years. You suffer now.”
I wanted to put my hand on his shoulder, but I didn’t know what to say other than it wasn’t his fault, but I’d punished myself, too. I’d even taken it out on him. I touched his knee again to feel a part of him.
He took my fingers held them a second then released them as if he held fire.
“Now that you know I was brutalized, Wycliff, I’m damaged goods to you? That truth changes everything? It’s why I never wanted to say. Either I wouldn’t be believed or you’d hate me for their crimes.”
“It changes nothing about you but increases my need for revenge. If you’d trusted me, I would’ve been sweet to you. Much more patient. You could’ve told me in a carriage ride like this, just the two of us, talking. I didn’t need Madame’s testimony or the added excitement of running for our lives.”
“You’ve been sweet to me. You made me feel desired and beautiful. There’s no apology for that. But don’t confuse my reticence about what happened with you lying to me every day.”
“Ruth, I’m a cad if you think taking the opportunity to figure out how to get our love right was wrong.”
“What?”
“I didn’t get things right the first time. This was to be different. I wanted you to crave me, to feel me in your chest, your thoughts, I wanted you reaching for me always.”
He stretched as if he’d take me in his arms, but he drew his hands to the seat. “The more I suspected that you’d… that you’d been hurt worse than anything I could ever conceive, I needed to be more perfect so that you’d trust my affections.”
He had become perfect, and I did love Wycliff more than Adam. Yet, they were the same.
The carriage stopped.
“Ruth, I’m going to rush you inside. I need you protected.”
He took his sjambok and flexed it in his hand.
Once on the pavement, he reached inside and helped me down. Then he pulled me close to his shoulder. His cologne, his tangy Bay Rum, settled my nerves.
