“I’m not that man. That’s an actor, Ester.”
“One who likes a clean room, one that’s stubborn and too clever for his own good.”
“Maybe you prefer the actor. His lines are scripted. He’ll always do and say what’s written on the pages.”
She put her soft lips on his knuckles before returning his hand. “I don’t want paper. I want my husband who is kind. So kind to Jonesy, to even my father, and to me.”
“It’s easy to be nice to you. You’re easy on me, Ester.”
“When you first woke up, you said some strange things. The doctor had to convince you that you weren’t on a boat. Was it a role? For when were you ever on a boat?”
She had to know. It was time. He closed his eyes again. “A long time ago. I was on a boat. My uncle’s boat.”
She kissed his cheek.
He wanted to pull away, but it was her mouth, soft and plump like a juicy pear pressing against him. It had a hold on him. He needed to tell her why he had to fight for abolition and why he almost died trying to save a dead man. “I can take critics and sneaky reporters thinking ill of me, but not you. Not now or ever.” He pulled her closer. “Ester, you’re not twenty-one.”
“That’ll be in three weeks.”
“Your parents could withdraw their consent, and we could annul this marriage.”
Her face became blank as she stepped backward. “Lie to the world? Never. My parents were there, Bex. They are the reason we married. You don’t want to be married anymore?”
“I want you, Ester.” He gazed at her, focusing on the lips he needed to claim and the waist meant for his hands to cling to. “In every sense of the word, I want you, but I’m not the man you want me to be. I cannot give up fighting for causes to secure your love. To do so makes me a bigger fraud than I already am.”
“I am in love with you, Arthur Bex. That’s no lie.”
He reached up to smooth the lines on her forehead, but she was out of reach. “Those marks will become permanent if you continue to fret. That’s a crime for someone so young, so beautiful.”
With a shake of her head, she turned to the window. She opened the curtains, letting the moonlight inside. It shadowed her, her curves, her fine neck, and rich skin. “A rose by any name is still a rose. Bex or Arthur, it is all you. I’ll practice saying Arthur. Arthur. Arthur. I know you were confused by the fire, but don’t be confused in what I am saying. I’m in love with you.”
If her logic were true, then he’d be free to love her, but it wasn’t. His past would always be looming, waiting to destroy all they built. He sighed, inhaling her lilac that remained on his fingertips. The hunger inside to be loved like she claimed overpowered all but his reason. It was good that she stood inches away, far out of his reach. He stroked his nose. “I’ll make you miserable. You’ll always be concerned that I’ll become injured or killed.”
“Maybe you are right.” She offered a yawn and started for the door.
His gut twisted, wringing with a sense of loss. He’d pushed her away. That made his insides cave in.
Then she turned at the bedpost.
She took off her robe, exposing more of herself, more of her waist, the full bosom, her thicker hips. She hung the satin on the footboard. Whipping back the heavy blanket and sheet, she climbed in the bed and laid her head beside him, against his shoulder.
Her locks smelled of coconut. Her skin was perfumed with lilac. “What are you doing?” His voice sounded hoarse, almost a toad’s croak. “In a place this big, don’t you have your own room?”
“I do, on the third floor, with a beautiful view of Fournier Street. But my place is here with my husband. I’ve one roommate, and he’s here. We’ve slept in the same bed since we wed. Will you deprive me of enjoying the heat of you? I need to hear your snores. Don’t deny me the shiver when my palm feels the rhythm of your heart.”
His shy Ester put her hand to the nightshirt he wore. The fine silk was probably one of her father’s.
“Bex, I need to hold you. I need to remind myself that you’re here and alive.”
With her pinkie, she circled his heart.
The thing beat for her like it had for no one else.
A sharp release of air left his lungs when she moved away.
With those soft lips puckered, she blew out the candle she’d lit. Then she settled onto her side of the mattress, inches away.
Coconut and lilac, her heady scent had control of him. He reached for her, and she fell in his arms.
