“Doesn’t matter what he wants. What doyouwant?”
I wiped my eyes and rambled. “He might think I trapped him . . . we have so much to work through . . . he’s too much . . . or maybe I’m too stubborn . . . I don’t know if we’re possible . . . I’m not sure I want to be tied to Canaan . . . I don’t want Canaan to feel hehasto be with me . . . It’s just best if I’m not pregnant until he and I are sure of each other.”
When a subdued, fully dressed Canaan walked in on the tail end of my conversation, holding a pregnancy test in his hand, I shut my eyes. “I found this in a bag on the table. Were you planning on telling me?”
I covered my face with my arms. “I don’t even know for sure if there’s something to tell you.”
“You know,” he insisted. “But I get it.”
With my heart thumping against my chest, I popped up in bed, pushing down the wave of nausea. “What do you get?”
He tossed the test on the bed. “Once you decide what you want to do, let me know.” He stared at the test on the bed while he spoke. “For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t feel trapped, and I’ll make time for you and for our baby.”
Before I could protest or stop him, Canaan turned around, and soon the front door closed.
“Heheardme,” I wailed and fell back in bed. “I didn’t mean what I said. I’m just so fucking scared. Writing about relationships and living them are two different things. I promised myself I would try with the next man, even though the man I want to be with is right here, right now. As much as I hate to admit it, I get my parents’ crazy relationship more.”
Saraj climbed into bed beside me and wrapped his arm around me. “Let’s take the test first and then call him. You need to decide the futurewithhim. Not alone. It’shisbaby too.”
I sniffed. “That’s the second test. I took one already.”
“And?”
“I couldn’t look at the results. It’s in my bathroom, wrapped in tissue in my medicine cabinet.” I implored, “Can you look and tell me?”
Saraj hurried to the bathroom and called out. “Baby girl, relax. You’re not pregnant.”
Fresh tears broke, and I covered my head with my pillow as I sobbed. I was so sure I was pregnant. Sure I always had a piece of Canaan.
Saraj rubbed my shoulder. “Those tears don’t sound happy.”
I mumbled, “Because I’m upset.”
“I thought you didn’t want to be tied to Canaan. Now, you’re not.”
“Why do I keep lying to myself? I still love him from the depths of my soul. I can’t take off his ring because it’s my only physical connection to him. I want to be tethered to him forever. Of course, I wanted his baby,” I sniffed. “When I first thought I might be pregnant, I rubbed my stomach, excited about the possibilities. Then I let fear and doubt seep in again. Canaan is right. I knew he was going through a lot, and instead of standing firm and fighting for him, I left him. Just like his mother did.”
“It’s not too late to fight for him, Kensie.” Saraj leaned back to see my face. “Although I was dead wrong for what I did and would never hurt you again, I’ll never regret it. You wouldn’t be with him if I hadn’t done what I did. He makes you happy. You make him happy. Fudge all the other nonsense that keeps you apart.”
“Fudge?” I giggled. “Man, I missed you.”
Saraj opened his arms, and I embraced him. He whispered, “I know I still need to grovel. Need to show—”
I cut him off. “Yep, you do.”
He rolled his eyes. “Can I finish? I see why Canaan gets frustrated with you.”
I jerked my head. “All right . . . All right. Go ahead.”
Saraj rolled his neck. “Like I was saying . . . I still need to grovel and beg for your forgiveness, to show you how truly sorry I am . . . but right now, you need to go after your man.”
Easing to the edge of my bed with exactly that thought on my mind, I stopped moving. “Are you done? Don’t want to frustrate you.”
Saraj smiled from where he still rested against the headboard. “Not quite.”
“What?” I asked impatiently as I slipped on sparkly flip-flops, ready to break laws to get to Canaan. It was July, and my pajama shorts and tank would do in the Houston heat.
“I lied. Youarepregnant.”
