“I thought you’d known him since college?”
I eased down next to Ms. Murielle. “Well, yeah. But we hadn’t spoken since college. He used to be my friend’s boyfriend.”
“Emme, right?” Her tone indicated disdain.
“Yes, you knew her too?”
“I met her several times when he was in college. She was caught up in his looks and money. He was young and mannish then. Not ready to be serious.” She straightened the skirt of her sundress.
I softly added, “Maybe he’s still not.”
Ms. Murielle shook her head. “He’s different.Youmake him different.”
“A man has to want to be different for himself and not for anyone else.”
“A man also needs to be inspired and motivated to be different, and you do that for Canaan.” Ms. Murielle continued, “Canaan showed me your book and told me he liked your perspective on love. He said he would ask you out if you weren’t Emme’s friend. His face seemed so open and animated as he told me what he knew of you. I told him he should go for it. He laughed and said he wouldn’t dare ask you out because you rightfully hated him. Imagine my surprise when he told me you and he were engaged.”
“He wanted to ask me out two years ago?” I was finally able to take another breath.
“Maybe longer.” Ms. Murielle checked her watch. “It’s time for me to get back and make his dinner. You might want to get cleaned up and pretty and come check on him.”
“I’m not like the women he’s used to dating. Maybe he realized that, which is another reason to drop me. I care about my career, I’m a homebody, and I became this extrovert, this persona, to build my brand.”
“He knows that, Kensie.” She patted my thigh. “Canaan wanted to date you because he loved your fierceness, strength, and no-nonsense approach to life. It’s the same reason you have millions of followers. People love you, Kensie, not your persona. It’s why he loves you. Use that fierceness to make him see reason.”
I covered her hand on my thigh. “Do you know why I love you?”
Ms. Murielle blinked twice. “No.”
“I love you because you treated me like I mattered from day one. I don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and I never knew why until I met you. She didn’t do a good job of making me feel important in her life. Even if Canaan doesn’t forgive me, can we still hang out sometimes?”
Ms. Murielle’s lips curved into a beaming smile. “We can hang out whenever you want.”
I embraced her. “Think I can call you Mama Murielle?”
She rubbed my back with a sigh. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Chapter 31
Canaan
Peace had evaded me since Kensie walked out of my life. Discontentment and unhappiness affected my ability to function. I’d been unable to even get into a car to drive around the city. Meditation didn’t work. I even tried using Kensie’s ASMR playlist, but all that did was remind me of her. After years of having purpose and drive, I couldn’t figure out why racing mattered anymore.What am I trying toprove? Who cares if I become the first Black manto win a fucking race when Black men are killedfor simply existing? I’ve accomplished more than most peoplewould ever do in a lifetime at a young age,right?
My time could be spent traveling the world and engaging in philanthropic activities. Or open a nonprofit organization that teaches children about engineering and auto mechanics. I could work at my company full-time instead of on a consulting basis. Or I could work alongside Malcolm and become part of a crew for up-and-coming drivers like Gabriel. The world was truly my oyster, and yet, I couldn’t drum up the energy to get out of bed.
Only nature and Ms. Murielle made me exit my sanctuary for any length of time. She would make me shower, and she would change my sheets while I cleaned myself, though housekeeping wasn’t her job. With no appetite, I only ate enough to get Ms. Murielle off my back. I wanted to escape the world and didn’t know when I’d return.
No one could get through to me. Not Malcolm, Ms. Murielle, and definitely not my father. I refused my father’s calls, unwilling to listen to yet another tirade of how I fucked up and somehow cost our company millions. I did speak to my grandparents out of respect, though I never felt up to it. They prayed for me, encouraged me, and asked me to visit home. Barbados didn’t feel like home anymore. Any place that didn’t include Kensie would never feel like home.
My doorbell rang, breaking my desolate thoughts, and I ignored it, expecting Ms. Murielle to answer. When it rang again, I checked the monitor on my bedside table. The condo was empty. Ms. Murielle must have run an errand or gone home. I then checked the camera and sighed when I saw the person standing there.
Nude, I slowly rose from my bed, pulling on the joggers that Ms. Murielle left on my satin bench at the end of my bed after I showered. I scanned the room and didn’t see a shirt or my sling. I held my left arm still in a cast to my chest and went to the door. “How did you get up here?”
Emme smiled weakly. “I wanted to check on you since you won’t answer my texts or calls. The doorman remembered me.”
“Remind me to report him.” I leaned against the door, debating whether to let her in my place.
She batted her eyes. “He couldn’t resist me. Don’t get him fired. I made up some lie to get up here.”
