“It’s supposed to hit fifty today,” Carter says. He glances over at the hideous snowman whose middle and head have already slipped off into clumpy messes.
“Oh, no.” Amelia frowns. “Frosty came apart.”
Her lower lip starts quivering. Carter kneels next to her on the wet, snowy grass and says, “This mess is so big and so deep and so tall. We cannot pick it up. There’s no way at all.”
This man.
Amelia’s face instantly brightens. “The Cat in the Hat!”
He narrows his brow. “How did you get so smart?”
“Mommy is smart, so she makes me smart.”
He glances up at me. “I can see that.” Standing and brushing his pants off, he holds out his hand. Amelia takes it and they walk down the driveway, hand in hand.
I follow behind, thinking… Well, thinking thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking. Like how much I like it here. How much Amelia likes it. How good they look together. How goodwemight look together. How I not only like this town, but being in his company. His home.
“It may snow again later this week,” he says. “We can build a new Frosty.”
I’m tempted to say we may not be here when that happens. But I don’t. I don’t want to ruin this moment for my daughter. She’s never had this. A man who is amused by her messes rather than pissed at them. One who holds her hand instead of shooing her away. One who protects her instead of threatening her.
“Christian’s not coming?” I ask.
“Ha! Have you forgotten he’s fifteen? Unless he’s getting up for school, he sleeps until lunchtime.”
“I guess I have that to look forward to.”
Thinking of Amelia as a teenager, and eventually a young adult, is frightening. What if she makes all the bad choices I made? Then again, I can hardly call sleeping with Jerry a mistake—the decision led to Amelia.
But Cyrus… That’s another thing altogether. I should have seen the signs, but didn’t.
When we turn the corner onto the main road, the sidewalk widens and I can walk beside them.
“You ever think about having more?” he asks, nodding to Amelia between us.
“I think one’s enough for now, thank you very much.”
“Eh, you’ve got plenty of time.”
“How about you?”
He shrugs. “I didn’t think I did, but, I don’t know. It might be nice someday.”
Someday. How many times have I said or thought that very word?Someday, I’ll have a better relationship with my dad.Someday,Amelia will get to know her grandfather.Someday,I won’t have to live in fear.Someday,Cyrus will be a thing of the past. I peek over at Carter.Someday, I might even be able to fall in love.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks. “You looked sad all of a sudden.”
“I’m good. Looking forward to coffee for sure.”
“You already had one. I smelled it downstairs.”
“Most days I can’t even function until I’ve had two. You’re looking at a certified addict.”
“Ahhh, so that’s why you got the fancy coffee maker. You didn’t want to bother me.” He stops at the corner and looks directly at me, shifting his gaze from one of my eyes to the other and then to my lips and back up. “Bother me, Kenna. Always bother me.”
He looks both ways and steps into the crosswalk. I inhale deep and slow, then let it out in a heavy release of air between pursed lips. Why am I having this reaction? Where is this physical sensation of needing something that’s out of reach coming from? This longing for a life I know I can’t have.
Can’t? Or won’t?
