Sadness crosses over his eyes. “You don’t know what I am and what I’ve seen. Gentle isn’t the word for what lives in my skull.”
“You might say that, but all I’ve seen is a man who trembles when he touches me because he’s afraid of hurting me.” I reach for his hand, and his fingers tighten around mine, as if I’m a light in his darkness. “That’s not dangerous, Tobias. That’s broken. And I understand broken.”
His breath catches, his eyes searching my face like he’s waiting for me to realize I’ve made a mistake. But this isn’t a mistake. Coming here with him, letting him into my mind, feeling seen for the first time in my entire life… this was far, far from a mistake.
My heart’s pounding. His gaze flickers to my mouth again, then away, then back again, like he’s fighting a losing battle with himself.
So, before he can talk himself out of it, I lean in and press my lips to his.
19
AVERY
Tobias goes completely still,and for one horrible moment, I think I misread the lingering glances, the unsteady hands, and the way he looks at me like I’m precious and breakable.
Then a quiet, almost pained sound escapes him, and he’s kissing me back like I might disappear if he wants it too much.
I press closer, and my palm finds his chest. His heart slams against my hand, and the sound he makes—half groan, half protest—vibrates through me.
Eventually he breaks away, his forehead dropping to mine, his breathing ragged.
“I need you to understand that the memories in my head…” He swallows, then continues. “They’re too much sometimes. I’ve always been able to manage them, even at their worst, but they push hardest when my walls are down, and you…” His thumb traces my jaw, featherlight. “You make me want to stop building walls. And I don’t know what that means for what’s living behind them.”
“I trust you,” I tell him, not having to think twice about it. “I just let you into places in my mind that no one’s ever seen before, and right now, I trust you more than anyone.”
The pain in his eyes makes him look so vulnerable and lost that I kiss him again, melting into him, my fingers curling into his shirt. And for the first time since Halloween, I forget about Oliver, Revenants, and whoever violated my memories. Instead, I lose myself in the moment and let myselffeel.
He pulls me closer, and the kiss slows and sweetens. He smells like sage and parchment, and when I breathe him in, my whole body loosens.
I want more.
The realization hits me like a wave—sudden, overwhelming, and undeniable. Because I want more than kisses and gentle touches. I want him.Allof him.
The old Avery would already be second guessing herself and running scared. But this version of me has emptiness where the bond used to be, and the only time it felt full was when Tobias’s hands were on my skin and his mind was in mine.
I don’t want to let that go. So, I let my hand drift lower, fingertips brushing his chest, his stomach, and then hovering at his waistband.
His body goes still.
“You don’t have to…”
“I want to,” I say, and it feels like the truest thing I’ve said in years. “I’ve never done this before, but I want to. Now. With you.”
The moment the words leave my mouth, I can’t believe they came from me. Because I don’t do things like this. I sit back and do nothing until the moment’s passed, and then I’m alone and wondering what would have happened if I’d been brave enough to act.
I’m tired of being that version of myself. All it got me was a broken heart and stolen memories.
“Your first time should be special,” he finally says, although his breathing shallows, like his willpower is holding on by a thread. “Not on an ancient couch in a crumbling tower.”
“With a man who looked into my mind and didn’t run from what he saw.” I brush my thumb over the strong line of his cheekbone, and he leans into my touch, his eyes fluttering closed before he opens them again. “Who understands what it’s like to carry something too heavy alone, and who trembles when he touches me because he’s afraid of hurting me. I can’t think of anyone more special than that.”
He glances down, then looks back at me, the vulnerability shining in his eyes so intense that my breath catches.
“It would be my first time too,” he admits. “People don’t exactly line up to be intimate with someone who can pull their deepest secrets from their minds. Not like I would ever do that without their permission—it only happens when I want it to. But no one’s ever trusted that. They didn’t want to risk it, which meant they didn’t want to riskme.”
The admission settles over me like a weight. All those borrowed vampire memories of hunting, feeding, and taking—and underneath them, there’s a man who’s never been chosen.
He and I are so similar it makes my heart hurt.
