Lili pulls him down towards her, kissing him so fiercely their teeth clash. “I’d want your children,” she whispers, against his mouth. “I’d want children with you—someday I would, I really would—I’d want to have a family with you—”
Suddenly, she’s no longer in charge of the kiss. Aleksandr pushes her against the sheets, kissing her perhaps harder than he ever has. Lili moans into his mouth, as his hand slides between her legs, still wet from earlier. He grabs her knee, opening her to him, and she feels him hard against her.
“Tell me—you have to tell me, if you want me to stop—”
She shakes her head, blind and impatient. “No, no—please, Sasha, come on—”
He grasps her face, swallowing her words with a long kiss, just as he—
Lili inhales, sharp between them, as Aleksandr pushes into her.
“Jesus,fuck.” The punch of his breath, and how his grip tightens in the sheets when he has to stop, when her body can’t take more. He hitches her hips a little higher, and she almost winces—Wait—before he pushes into her deeper; a difficult fit, and her next gasp is close to a hiss.
Aleksandr notices, instantly. “Are you alright?” he murmurs, stilling over her.
“Yes,” she gasps. “Don’t stop, it just—I’m fine, it’ll just take a—ah—minute, don’t worry—”
Gently, he kisses her. He so rarely kissed her like this, like she’s breakable. Its warmth eases tension just as he starts to move again, with slow, growing intensity.
Her body burns, making room for him: a hot, wet slip. With such intentional slowness, he lets her adjust, the heat of her accepting the hardness of him. It hurts, like a chill of newness, a fresh pleasure: the stretch of her body accommodating his size; the way he works her open, moving with the give of her hips; finding the moments when she can take a bit more, pushing deeper into them. Her grasp tightens in his hair; there’s something starved, in both their bodies—the fumble of wanting so fiercely. This ache—a deep, bright shudder settled into her hips—splits with pressure, and when he moves inside of her next, she gives a hard gasp.
“A bit more,” Aleksandr murmurs, “just a bit more, you’re almost there.”
“What—oh, fuck—”
The feeling of the last inches of him, thick and full, with the realization that he hadn’t gotten there yet. Reciprocal tension snaps in his shoulders when she tightens in sharp surprise.
“Fuck, Lili,” he groans, “give me a chance at lasting here—”
“Give me—Jesus, givemea second—”
He laughs, breathless. He kisses the corner of her mouth.
“You tell me,” he murmurs. God, the sound of him breathless, in her.
Hands shaking, Lili runs her fingers through his hair. “You can move,” she whispers. “Just, slowly—oh, f-fuck—like that, yes—that’s—oh—”
New places, it’s like he’s reaching new places of depth and darkness in her. Under his next thrust, she groans; something deep, released from her. It’s always been lurking, waiting between their bodies, right there,fuck, right there—and she’s moaning it out loud, as he drags her hips harder against his.
Under her hands, she feels his heartbeat.
Aleksandr’s exhale is hard against her neck, watching how she takes him. This,this—this is what makes a life, the breath of someone who holds you; someone you love.
A pained noise drags up her throat, but release, it’s release.
Aleksandr lifts his head, looks at her with immediate concern.
The sting of her tears is sudden, seeing that. “I’m okay,” she gasps out,before he can ask. “Keep going, I’m—I—” Lili shuts her eyes, tight. Her nails bite into his shoulders—within grasp, already: the burst of brightness, blooming fast. “Sasha, I—”
I could have you for my whole life,she thinks,if you’d let me, if you wanted me—
“I know,” he murmurs, a rasp of unsteadiness in his own voice. “I know, I can feel you—I know—”
Train platforms, boats under blue skies, dark bedrooms after late bars; it starts to rise, that habitual fear racing through her thoughts—alone, she will always be alone; her and all her pain—and with it, the desire for emptiness, to be drained of herself, the calm she has glimpsed only under rough hands, hard sex.
But now—as she allows herself to fall open, lets her pain move through her, rather than blind her—she isn’t alone in it.
She isn’t alone.
