The air had a new chill when we pulled up and carried Mad inside. Fall was officially upon us. I looked up at the sky wistfully hoping we’d have the kind of holiday season I’d dreamed about since I was a child. The kind filled with laughter and love – not appearances and forced emotion.
“I’ll take him,” I murmured in our darkened entryway, reaching out for a sleepy Maddox. Axel handed him over without a word.
“Sweet boy,” I murmured into his soft hair that was coming in thicker every day. “You’re ready for bed, aren’t you?” I talked softly to him as I carried him into the office and got him changed. He had his last bottle at the club so he was ready to roll. I looked around the office wondering if it was time to convert it into a nursery. Axel had asked me several times, when was I ready to make it his room? When was I ready to call his place ours?
Maybe it was time to take the plunge.
I swayed back and forth, humming an unnamed melody to Mad as his eyes drooped. I knew I could put him down but holding him calmed my frazzled nerves. Seeing those men, those jackets, had brought back so many unwanted memories and emotions. Then there was Axel. He was seriously pissed and I wasn’t sure I had the capacity to deal with his emotion as well as mine. Not right then anyway.
“Night, sweetie,” I cooed softly, placing my sleeping baby in his crib. I smoothed his hair back from his beautiful face and slipped out of the room in search of my man.
I found him pacing the master bedroom like a caged beast. I eyed him warily as he pulled on his hair and looked ready to break down a wall or two.
“What’s the matter?” I asked quietly when it didn’t seem like he was going to stop any time soon.
He turned to glare at me, the venom in his expression taking me by surprise. Axel had never directed anger at me. Frustration? Irritation? Sure. But nothing like the feral rage I saw now.
“I should be there,” he growled by way of reply.
“Where?” I asked, confused.
“At the club! Not fucking playing house!” he roared.
I took a step back, reeling from his anger and the bite of his words. It was a minute before I could even respond.
“Is that what we’re doing? Playing house?” I shot back through numb lips.
He threw up his hands. “That’s not what I fucking meant!” he hollered.
“Keep your voice down!” I hissed.
“I have to go.” He shook his head, grabbing his cut off the chair. “I can’t deal with this shit.”
I wondered which shit he meant specifically but couldn’t bear to ask for fear of what he’d say. I fought fiercely to battle down my own temper. To bite back the demand of where my feelings played into all this. He was obviously warring with himself over something and this wasn’t the time.
“Talk to me,” I asked quietly, moving a step closer.
He groaned, throwing his head back to look at the ceiling. “I’m not a man who should be talking about fucking feelings,” he huffed. He held up his fists, clenched so tight his knuckles were white. “I use these – it’s who I am,” he grit out. “The club needs me to be that and I can’t be that when I have to take care of you,” he shot out, leveling me with a frustrated stare.
Holy hell, ouch. It was as though he verbally socked me in the gut. My eyes pooled with tears at his harsh words.
“Well, please, don’t do me any favors,” I murmured hoarsely.
“Fuck! I’m no good like this. I’m leaving,” he muttered, moving past me.
I stood shocked in the sudden quiet, feeling like I’d just been through a hurricane and was left with the wreckage.
I heard his bike start up in the garage and the tears filling my eyes spilled over and down my cheeks. I swiped at them angrily, frustrated he could decimate me so suddenly. He demanded time and time again that I let him take care of us, yet he threw that back in my face.
Well, screw that shit.
I pulled myself together and picked up the phone, calling the only person I wanted in that moment who also happened to be the last person I should share this with.
Chapter 14
Sal was quiet on the drive down the mountain. We’d taken Mad’s car seat out of Axel’s truck and without a word he’d installed it and helped me with my things. I felt guilty for disturbing Maddox but there was no way I was waiting for Axel to come back – whenever the hell that was.
If he didn’t want to be burdened with us, then I was more than happy to let him have his house back. That was what I was telling myself anyway.
