“Jill.” She’d sighed in loving exasperation as I’d failed to hide the tears clouding my vision. “Even if I go tomorrow, I had a good run. You and your sister kept me on my toes.” She’d chuckled. “Especially Janelle.” Her eyes had turned to me, her movements still slow following her stroke. “Your sister isn’t like us, Jill.” She’d grasped my hand hard, surprising me with her strength. “You’re soft on the outside but to your core you’re tough, strong. You always have been. Your sister—she’s still searching for that strength. I don’t know if she’ll find it. I worry about those kids.”
“I do too,” I’d admitted, thinking of my niece and nephew, both from different fathers, neither of whom had ever been in their lives.
“I know you have your own burdens right now,” she’d murmured in that way of hers. I’d never shared with her what was going on with Tim but I knew she knew something wasn’t right. “But don’t ever doubt yourself, Jill. From the very first you broke the mold. You’ll be fine. When the time comes, let me go and remember how I lived. Okay?” Her hard expression gave me no choice but to nod.
“Will you be able to get a flight out today?” The woman’s voice on the line cut through my reverie.
My head spun. “Yes, I think so.” I nodded, pulling out my laptop to immediately begin searching for flights. It would be expensive to book a flight so last-minute but I couldn’t think about that now. “Have you spoken to my sister by any chance?”
“No, ma’am,” she replied.
I hadn’t been able to get hold of Janelle in weeks.
“Okay, I’ll need to bring my son with me. I’ll look into arrangements and call you back to confirm once I have everything arranged.”
“All right, Miss Turner. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. We’ll be seeing you soon.”
I hung up, my fingers flying across the screen, intent on the task at hand. I’d let myself fall apart later. For now, my grandmother trusted me to take care of her last wishes and I was determined to do just that.
****
The warm tones of the New Mexican landscape spanned outside the airplane window as we began our descent later that night. I held a squirming Mason on my lap, catching brief glimpses of the mesas that rose from the earth as though determined to reach the sky.
With its unforgiving landscape juxtaposed with the lush forests and expansive sky, I’d always thought New Mexico to be one of the most beautiful places on earth.
That didn’t mean I felt like I was coming home, not really.
Mason was a mess by the time we landed and my nerves were shot from trying to calm him for the past few hours. Luckily, it was a relatively short flight.
My phone pinged with several texts as I pushed his stroller through the terminal. I’d sent Sophie a quick message before we took off, letting her know my grandmother had died and I’d be out of town for a few days. I knew she’d worry otherwise.
I’d check in with her later. For now, I needed to focus. I was worried that if I talked to her, if I heard her familiar, caring voice, I’d lose it. I couldn’t afford that now.
I’d rented a car, the cheapest I could find. By the time I got a screaming Mason strapped in and our bag in the trunk, I felt like I’d run a marathon. I was sweating from the stress of the flight, from grappling with my loss, and the dry heat.
I’d planned to stop by the funeral home to begin making arrangements, but it was clear that wasn’t happening until morning due to Mason’s behavior. I needed to get him fed and into bed.
I pulled up to the motel, wishing fervently that I could have stayed under my grandmother’s roof at least one more time. It was the only house that had ever felt like home to me as a child. I’d sold the house a few years back to help pay for the home she needed to live in after her stroke.
Guilt that I hadn’t visited more gnawed at me. The realization that she was really gone had barely begun to sink in.
By the time I got us checked in and Mason down for the night, I was walking a razor’s edge of an emotional breakdown. My sister still hadn’t called me back and I felt completely unprepared to handle what lay ahead.
How could I possibly say good-bye?
Most of the people I’d known in my life had let me down in one way or another. Not my Gran. She’d taken Janelle and me in when our own parents walked away. She’d doled out love with such fierce generosity that you couldn’t help but feel it to your very core. Her commitment to us was unyielding, even though it came unexpectedly and so much later in her life.
She was an example of strength that I’d relied on throughout my life, just as I would do now.
I curled next to a sleeping Mason, hoping I could sleep for a little while at least. There was such raw honesty about the way he slept. He gave himself over completely, seeming to love sleep and wakefulness in equal measure.
My phone vibrated, Sophie’s name flashing on the screen. I stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me so that I didn’t disturb Mason.
“Hi,” I murmured, sitting on the closed toilet lid.
“Hi. Oh Jilly, I’m sorry about your gran.” She sighed.
With that, the damn burst as I’d known it would. In a way it was a relief as I let out a choked sob, nodding even though she couldn’t see me.
