I soldiered on despite my reluctance. “It was small changes at first. He started paying the bills, controlling the money. I didn’t mind. I’ve always hated that stuff. Budgeting stresses me out,” I admitted before continuing. “He’d never been very affectionate—come to think of it, I wasn’t very affectionate with him, either. But any affection that had been there went away. Our relationship became far lonelier than being alone.” That dreaded lump grew in my throat, which was still slightly tender. I swallowed painfully. “I think—I think for all my efforts to look toward the future, I needed to look more at my present. So many times I’d catch myself thinking, how did I get here? What am I doing? And now those thoughts weigh so heavily on me.” I choked. “All that independence that I fought so hard for—that first time he hit me, I stayed,” I rasped. “Istayed.”
The silence stretched between us.
“It didn’t happen often—he was gone a lot—but it did happen. Even after I was pregnant.”
Cal clenched his jaw at that.
“For some reason, I couldn’t imagine a way out. It felt like I was in a glass cage. I could see the other side but I couldn’t get there.” I shook my head. “After Mason was born, I was more determined. I started saving some money—what little I could get, anyway. He’d started taking my paychecks.
“Sophie moving in next door was one of the best things that ever happened to me, next to Mason,” I marveled with a sigh. “She offered me friendship. She reminded me what it felt like not to be alone. I feel like… like I’ve been alone most of my life,” I admitted hoarsely. “When Axel came and got her, when she left, things got really bad with Tim. What bad means, I don’t want to get into. You can imagine based on the other day, and frankly I don’t want to relive it. Not now, not ever.” I shook my head firmly. “The minute I felt like Mason was in danger, that was it. That was the catalyst I needed. I came up to Hawthorne with next to nothing.” I turned to him, waiting until his eyes met mine. “The club got me on my feet. Made it possible for me to start again. I feel like I have a family. I’m so grateful.”
I wanted to be done but I wasn’t—not just yet.
“The girls all teased me about you for months. I wasn’t even sure if they were just blowing smoke but I wasn’t ready—not then. Not for you.”
“And now?” his deep voice rumbled.
“Now,” I began slowly, “I need you to understand that despite my stubbornness, despite how independent I’ve wanted to be—” I choked on a sob. “I’m not as strong as you think I am. I was so weak. I put Mason in a terrible situation! I didn’t know how to get out.” I was sobbing now.
He stood up and pulled me into his arms, sitting back down with me cradled in his lap. He wrapped his strong arms around me and held me tighter than I could ever recall being held. I was completely enveloped by him and I’d never felt so comforted, despite my inner turmoil.
“You know what I think?” I felt his words through the rumble in his chest.
I shook my head.
“I think you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.”
I looked up at him in teary-eyed, wary shock.
He stroked a finger down my temple, caressing my lower lip. “From what I just heard, you grew up with next to nothing, fought like hell to get out of a town that, if I’m right, most don’t ever see in their rearview mirror. You started over in a new city, put yourself through school. You went through a pregnancy and raised an infant alone with an abusive bastard of a husband. You started over for a third time here and within weeks were someone that the entire club would take a bullet for.”
I watched him in cautious disbelief.
“But you know what blows me away more than any of that? Your capacity to care about and love everyone else around you. You’re the most giving, nurturing woman I’ve ever met. How’d you end up that way?” His hands moved to grip my upper arms in a gentle squeeze. “How, after all that hurt, do you still give so freely? Sure, you hold yourself back. You don’t share much and you certainly don’t want to take anything even when it’s offered willingly. But Jill—your capacity togive. It’s fucking beautiful.”
I watched him silently with wide eyes, the tears cascading down my cheeks.
His hands gently wiped them away. “Too many for me to catch, darlin’.” He offered a sad smile. “Don’t you see what a fucking survivor you are? That’s what I thought before. After what you just told me? I’m convinced.”
I couldn’t seem to formulate a word, much less a proper sentence in reply. Instead I leaned in and wrapped my arms around him, pulling myself as close as I could to his heat. He held me for an indeterminable amount of time as his words began to sink in. It would take time.
But maybe, just maybe, some of them would take root and begin to bloom.
After holding me for a long time, Cal gently sent me off to bed.Ourbed, he clarified firmly.
I knew he needed time to absorb what I’d told him.
Frankly, I needed some time myself. I’d never shared that much about myself with another person, not even Sophie. I was surprised by how good it felt, not just getting it off my chest but knowing that he wanted to know me. The real me. The good and the bad.
I drifted off to sleep surprisingly peacefully. Those skeletons were alive and well but they’d now seen daylight. There was some peace to be had in that.
****
I awoke on a gasp as I became aware that a very naked, very aroused Cal was lying over me. I was on my belly and the feel of him pressed into me from behind was one of the most erotic sensations I’d ever experienced.
The faintest light creeping into the room told me it was barely dawn.
His teeth nipped at my earlobe, sending a jolt of lust down my spine. “I feel like I’m going to fucking die if I’m not inside you soon,” he growled, pressing his hard length in between my legs.
