“I appreciate that Anders. I think I design most of my courses, at least the electives, around books I would actuallyenjoy reading. I think a lot of people don’t read as adults because of what they were forced to read in school.”
“Fucking Charles Dickens,” Leo mutters.
“Exactly! You have all of these so-called classics that are lauded but just don’t stand the test of time. The references are outdated, the content doesn’t connect with the reader, and then you have fucking Dickens who was rumored to be paid by the word. A long book does not equate to a good book.”
“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” The musician’s voice comes over the speakers in the pub. “My name’s Malcolm, on vocals for you this evening. This here is Gerry, who will be plucking his guitar for you lot. We welcome song requests but, more importantly, warmly welcome tips both monetary and in libations.”
“These guys aren’t half bad. They usually play a few times a month,” Niall says.
“Our first song is by a band that not too many people are familiar with. We managed to catch a show on their tour in the spring. This song had quite the energy when they performed it for us, so here’s hoping we do it justice.”
It takes a few notes, but blood turns cold. The room begins to blur, the song fading in and out in the background. I feel my breath catch, stop. I can’t breathe.
“Danny, you okay?”
I get up, knocking over my chair in the process, and manage to run down the stairs and out of the pub.
21
I barely make it a few feet away from the pub before I push myself into the side of the building. I slide down until my ass hits the sidewalk. I’m struggling to get a breath in while also trying too hard. I lean my head between my knees to stop the spinning.
“Danny! God Danny, you scared me. Are you okay?” I don’t look up. I can feel the tears literally jumping off my face. I shake my head violently, nothing seeming in control.
“Danny. Talk to me.” Niall sits down next to me, his shoulder brushing mine. “Or don’t. Whatever you need right now. I can just sit here in silence. Just tell me how I can help.”
We sit there for what feels like an eternity, people passing us on the sidewalk. Eventually I lift my head up and look at Niall. His expression softens a bit.
I finally get my breathing under control, but the tears haven’t stopped. Niall reaches up and swipes my cheek with the cuff of his sweatshirt. I lean my head on his shoulder, willing the tears to stop.
“There are times when I think I’m doing a bit better, like life is returning to normal. And then something random triggers, well, that.”
“A panic attack?”
“Maybe? It just comes out of nowhere, and usually it’s when I’m home and I see a Facebook memory or see an ad for something that reminds me of Michael.”
“It was the song.”
I nod. “Every year I made…would make, Michael a birthday playlist on Spotify. The first thing I’d do on his birthday is send it to him. One of our favorite bands is X Ambassadors, and every year I always included “Hold You Down” because it was our song. The song essentially is about the singer and his brother’s connection, and how no matter what life brings they always have each other’s back. Most people mistake the song to be about a romantic relationship. But Michael and I knew better, and that’s why it was our song.”
“That’s really sweet.”
We sit there for a bit, and finally the tears stop. “I’m sorry I ruined the night. Your friends must think I’m a fucking nutcase.”
Niall sighs. “They don’t. And, if they did, I’d tell them to fuck off. But they had to deal with it a bit here, with me, when I found out Michael died. They were good about it, and I tried to keep a lot of it from them because they didn’t know him. They knew of him, from stories and the things I did at the book pub, but not like knew him knew him. And I knew him nowhere close to how you did, so I can only imagine how hard it’s been on you.”
“I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for you this summer.”
“Stop,” Niall says, wiping a tear from his eye. “I don’t blame you for anything. You owed me nothing. If you had to deal with me, it would have made it that much worse off for you.”
“Okay,” I say, finally standing up. Thank God Dublin keeps the streets relatively clean. “You can head back in, go back to your friends. I’m gonna call it a night.”
“No way. I am going to run in quick and settle the tab, but I’m walking you home. The guys will understand. Do. Not. Move.”
Niall disappears into the pub, and I immediately feel the loneliness start to creep back in. But, before I get too lost in my own head, Niall reappears in front of me.
Moments later we turn off Dame towards my apartment. It immediately quiets, the bustling main road replaced by the quiet sounds of an alley street.
“I know it’s tough to talk about him. I can see how it pains you every time he’s mentioned. You can always talk to me about how you’re feeling, if you have another episode or just having a down day. I don’t want you feeling like you’re on an island by yourself here.”
