“I thought maybe we could go tomorrow,” I said.“Or later this afternoon.A whole day is ridiculous.I didn’t make any time for it…”
Do you really listen to me at all?he questioned, amused.
I steadied my breath.Then I smiled.It was one of the worst smiles I’d ever given.
I’d never been good at smiling.I first noticed my lack of facial talent when I was ten and posing for a photo with my extended family at a reunion.I saw myself in the picture later and wanted to cut a hole around my face so that no one would have to see it and associate it with me.Beyond that initial disgust, not being able to smile had never bothered me overly much.I wasn’t an especially cheerful person.
Pleasure had always felt shallow and temporary to me, the pursuit of fools.I found value in effort, which frequently came with suffering.Now in front of Aster, I found myself retracing that particular philosophy and wondering if it had actually helped me all that much at all.
Aster watched me for three seconds, not blinking once the entire time.Is that the best you can do?he asked as I tried to hold my lips upright.
I dropped the expression.“I don’t smile much.It’s never been my thing.”
You like sadness.
“No, I… I like worth,” I said.“It’s more that I don’t care about happiness.I’ve always liked to think that heaven is a place with bad days as well as good, you know?”
Aster raised his chin.I’ll get you to smile by the end of the day.There’s a shining light in your soul that is trying to break out, and I want you to let it.Would that be too harsh, do you think?
“No, not at all.”I blushed.I didn’t know this experience would come with its own tests.Nor could I have guessed that Aster would be so particular in his demands.
I followed him back into the living room, where he pointed out of the window at the ocean outside.I’ve had enough of this talk for now.Let’s go to the beach, you and I.The weather is perfect, and the sand will be soft.
“Maine doesn’t have especially soft sand,” I corrected.“A lot of it is imported.”
Is this?
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know.I hadn’t thought about the beach much since my arrival.Now almost a week had now passed, and I didn’t know if the sand was rocky or smooth.
Aster understood my lack of an answer at once and patted me lightly on the shoulder with a touch I wasn’t sure if I really felt or more imagined.As I suggested.You like sadness, he said.
Our conversation ended there.Aster told me that he would have no more of me until I was ready to step outside.I sensed that he wanted to get out as well and explore the strange world I had pulled him into, but I never asked him about it directly.
I had to dig my swimsuit out of the trunk where I’d packed my clothes.It was a basic single piece, dark blue with a black mesh skirt.I’d bought it for this trip and had never worn it, but now I wondered if it wasn’t the right thing.Aster might prefer to see me wearing more.Or less.I had no way to know.After catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I wrapped myself in my dusky swimsuit cover and draped around my shoulders the basic white beach towel I had also brought from home, a thin terry cloth piece that might as well have been brand new despite the seasons that had passed since its purchase.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs and slipped on my sandals, I found Aster already waiting for me at the door, fully dressed as usual.He looked at me in surprise.
I glanced down and realized that he was looking at my swimsuit cover in curiosity.
I didn’t realize a trip to the beach would require a change of wardrobe,he said.
Suddenly my cheeks burned and I regretted the whole thing.“Oh—I didn’t need to,” I stammered.“I thought that we might go swimming.Or that I might.If the water’s warm enough and it seems like a good idea.”The more I kept talking, the more idiotic my words became, babbling from my mouth like a leak I couldn’t fix.I quieted myself and nodded in the hope that Aster would understand.
Aster stepped back from the door but returned my nod.Do as you will.Shall we set out, then?
I rested my hand on the doorknob and opened it with a quick tug.Instantly a cool breeze slipped in around us, and Aster followed me as I stepped outside.I gave him a brief tour as I led him to the back.I pointed out the light tower and the abandoned garden that had once been a source of sustainability for the family who had lived here.
Aster walked behind me always, pausing when I had an explanation and peeking between the posts of the garden fence when I mentioned what had once grown there.By the time I reached the sand, I paused for a moment and took in the sight of the ocean itself, up close.It had a majesty here that I hadn’t seen from the lighthouse.Standing in the sand with the water teasing the bottoms of my feet made everything larger and more fascinating.
I stepped in deeper, testing the temperature and finding it cool for my liking.Then I turned around.I had completely forgotten Aster, and his quiet way of moving could have tricked me into thinking that I had come out here alone.Instead I found him only a few paces behind me, closing his eyes as he took a breath of the air.
He opened his eyes.Good job.
“Good job?”I echoed.
He pointed back at my face.I told you I could get you to smile.Now I want you to remember this for the future.
THE STARS
