“Aster?”I asked.
At first he didn’t respond.His chest lifted and his back straightened, so I knew he’d heard me.
“I can’t sleep,” I said.
Still, he said nothing.He reached a hand behind him and groped for mine.I took it and realized that I’d never noticed the callouses on his palms until now.
“It’s what you did to me,” I clarified.I kept my voice deceptively level.I couldn’t afford for him to lash out at me now.“It’s because of how you made it so that I wouldn’t have to sleep.It turns out that I do still need to sleep, but I can’t, and if I have to stay awake any longer, I’ll lose control.I know it.”
Now at last he turned his head.I got one glance of that strong, projecting chin before his pale eyes lighted on my own.Why do you persecute me?I only ever tried to help you, he said.
“Help me?You’ve ruined me.I don’t know who I am anymore.”
My hold on his hand tightened.I could feel his bones now, claw-like under his tanned flesh.Animalistic.But those eyes still saw through me.I quivered.
I still want to help you,he emphasized hypnotically.I would be your slave.I would do anything.
“Anything?”My voice choked.“Can that include leaving me alone when I need space?”
You’re not the same as me,he said.I’ve done what I can to make you more like me, but it backfired.And that’s always the problem whenever one tries to force anything.I never should have touched you.I never should have laid a hand on you.
“Regret won’t fix anything now,” I said, minutely aware of Aster’s lack of apology.“Now will you help me?Will you take away what you did and let me rest?”
Aster released my hand on the bed and stood up.He circled around me with his arms crossed like a doctor about to make a diagnosis.The warm gold of the sun brought out a hazy glow in his own features.
When Aster reached my head again, he stopped.Can I kiss you right now, or would that make you mad?
I straightened my sitting posture and smoothed out the old quilt that lay across my lap.“Of course you can kiss me,” I said.“I’m not mad at you.I’m mad at myself.”And so tired I couldn’t fight back.
I thought again of the broken glass in the bathroom.I still needed to clean it, to pick out the broken pieces and prepare a large check for the residency program to cover my damage.When Aster leaned forward and placed his lips on mine, I found myself pulling away and resisting his touch.
He rested his hand on my arm.What’s wrong?
“I’m confused,” I said.“About the mirror.Who broke it?Did you throw the doll, or did I?”
That doesn’t matter, does it?
He kissed me again, and this time I reciprocated.I lowered myself until I lay flat on the bed, and then I rolled over onto my side.“Can I sleep now if I try?”
Do you really want my help?
I breathed in through my nose.“I don’t want magic.I’m done with that.I want you to give me advice.”
He held up a hand.Advice?So be it.If sleep is something you truly need, then you’ll find it the moment you stop trying.Do you understand?
I nodded, unhappily.
I won’t help you sleep, but I might be able to help you relax.Would it be too distracting if I cleaned up that little mess on the bathroom floor?
I folded my hands together.“Really?Do you even know how to clean up something like that?”
He looked over his shoulder out to the hallway.I’ll figure it out.Now how about you settle back and rest your head on that pillow.Yes, just like that.And I’ll be right over there if you need me.
He left out the door, and for a minute I lay awake and wondered what powers I’d surrendered myself to this time.I needed to get out of this mess.I’d put myself here and, the drama would continue until I ended it.But Aster had reached the status of full personhood.He could make messes, yes, but he could also clean them up.He wasn’t an idea that I could set aside and decide never to revisit.
I traced over a patch of blue on the quilt, trying to quiet the growing noise in my head.My thoughts refused to calm.I thought about Aster and my gut tightened like even my body wanted to expel him from me.How long had I seen him as a burden on my life?I leaned back and closed my eyes, finally inhaling a breath of fresh air.
Then something clinked nearby.More broken glass.A gasp—an involuntary measure from Aster.Then silence.
