My computer idled on the desk, the screen still lit, and I realized that I had only stepped away for a handful of minutes.The words sat exactly as I had left them with familiar blocks of paragraph and odd strings of dialog as I only vaguely remembered typing them.I knew the shape more than the content.
“Can I read it over before we go any further?”I asked.“I can’t remember what any of it says, and it doesn’t feel like mine if I can’t understand it.”
It’s better if you don’t,warned Aster.Then his expression softened.The humanity returned to it, and the stars returned to his eyes.Oh, what am I even saying to you?I’m a merciful god.Read over what you must, but no more than a page or so.If you spend too much time away from this draft, the entire thing could unwind like thread pulled from a spool.And we wouldn’t want that.
I laughed nervously and agreed that we wouldn’t, but before I sat down, I looked out the window a final time.It felt too hot in this room, and Aster’s presence left me suffocated and worn out.
THE MIRROR
I let Aster possess me—livein me, control my faculties from within—as a means of easing my load.At first, that seemed like the best option.I didn’t trust him after learning how easily he could manipulate my mind.His sanity was as dubious as my own.But he meant well, and as he said, he was a merciful god.He didn’t want me to suffer, and he possessed the power to energize me until I finished the task.
After a long enough time, I realized that the sensation had drained from my hands and wrists.I couldn’t feel a thing.The numbness could have been repetitive strain from the typing or a protective measure by Aster.Sometimes I dreamed while writing.Aster would take me out to the beach or a faraway isle under a moonlit sky, and it always felt like the real thing.Sometimes we made love to each other on the sand.Astor kissed my knuckles while holding my hand and begged me never to leave him.He promised no man would be more faithful to me than he, and no endeavor more successful than what we did together, and he said that my natural talent so far exceeded the standard that I arguably didn’t need the help of a muse at all.He didn’t mean to overwhelm me.
But all our escapes and all Aster’s flattering words were dreams.Every last one.Aster didn’t really kiss my knuckles.He didn’t even take me from the keyboard.In my only truly lucid moments, I consistently found myself facing the computer screen, and our only talk was professional.Usually I came to awareness during the night, but sometimes I woke during the day as well.I would move to open the windows and let in a breeze, but Aster would snap at me and tell me not to waste the little time we had.
The scales fell from my eyes during an evening when I woke up in such a state.One moment, Aster had wrapped his arms around me on the catwalk.Both of us stood naked in the cool evening breeze, and his eyes looked through me while he leaned into my ear and whispered that he wished that moment would last for eternity.
I took a breath and prepared a response.But then, neither of us was on the catwalk.The evening was far away, outside.I sat behind the secretary desk while Aster, moments ago so passionate, leaned over my shoulder with a professional shadow crossing his eyes.
My breath caught in my throat and I looked past the shadow to the hollows where his eyes used to sparkle.The last words he had spoken to me, the dream words, still reverberated through my consciousness.“Did you mean that?”I asked.
Sometimes I didn’t know if Aster really traveled with me to my dreams or if he sent me there with a shadow of himself as a substitute.
He cleared his throat and dabbed at some sweat on his forehead.Yes,he said.
I tensed.He wasn’t repeating the sentiment, and suddenly I worried that the character in my dream wasn’t Aster but an imagined aspect of him instead.Maybe he didn’t even join me on these trips at all anymore.“What part?What did you say?I want to hear it again, to make sure.”
Save your sentimentalism for later,he said.We’re mostly done with the draft, and doesn’t that feel good?Just a little more work and I can take you somewhere real.
“No,” I said.“This is getting ridiculous.I’m going to brush the tangles out of my hair and check out the beach.”
By now I’d gotten used to the achiness in my joints when I stood up after these sessions.Sitting still for such a long time was already wearing on me.But this time I didn’t want to stretch.I wanted to leave.To go away.Increasingly I felt more than just tired working with Aster.I felt like my typing had begun to drain my essence out of me.If I did nothing to restore myself, I doubted I’d ever really return from Illumination Point at all.
Aster didn’t follow me up the stairs at first.I marched into the bathroom and reached for my comb on autopilot.My hair had grown matted, tangled and ugly.My complexion had disintegrated as well.I spilled cold water on my hands from the faucet and then smeared it over my face for a quick clean.
I’d lost weight.Aster had promised many times to sustain me with his magic through my writing, but I needed more than basic life support.My skin was pale and blotchy.My face had become a mask with plastic expressions with no outlet from my soul.How long had I lived like this?
Stella!Aster called.His voice sounded artificial, like something I’d only pretended to hear.
I ignored him, and I put together a basic self-care list while I moved.I needed a shower.Some food as well.If I spent one day enjoying this beach instead of simply dreaming about it, my writing would improve with my newfound energy.
Then a shadow fell over me.I didn’t need to turn around.I saw Aster’s reflection behind me in the mirror, arms crossed and a snide squint framing his eyes.He looked like he’d caught me in an act of mischief, more amused than annoyed at the outcome.
You can’t escape me that easily,he warned with a feline grin.I’m the one who put you here, and we’re much too far along to turn back.
His voice wormed into my brain whenever I heard it, mingling with the voice of my own subconscious, but twisted and subverted to make me bend to its will.
I shook my head.“Why did you say that?”I asked.
Say what?
“That you put me here.You didn’t.I summoned you in the beginning of all this.This is my break, and I’ll do what I want with it.”
But who do you think possessed you to summon me?Our arrangement is mutual, as far as I understand.He approached my side and took the old porcelain doll from the bathroom vanity.What’s this?
“I don’t know.It’s always been here.”
It could be you.Same hair.Same sad look in the eyes.That looks like one of your dresses.
