Aster drew a breath.It’s not lonely.Though I suppose most of its companions are too small and far away for you to notice.It’s busy.But you are right that it doesn’t have much of an emotional life.Most life in the universe doesn’t.But that’s where humans stand out.You don’t merely experience emotions—you build an identity.You don’t fear, but develop anxiety.You don’t want, but develop greed and covetousness.You don’t love… you pull yourself into something much stronger, much more powerful and more deeply connected with your being.
I blinked.I pulled my focus away from that one star to the entire sky around it, suddenly feeling like the only world I knew really was just a tiny speck on the edge of a massive universe.“That’s beautiful,” I said.“Should I run inside and grab a notebook?”
And spoil the fun?You should have thought to bring one with you when we first came out here.
“Oh.”I sat and straightened my hair down my neck.The light from the kitchen near the glass back door of the house was pulling my attention away from the more subtle light from the sky.
Stella, come here.Aster was sitting now, even though I hadn’t seen him move from his position on the ground.Let me hold you.Just for a moment.I want to wrap my arms around you.
Again my eyes flickered to the glass door.“You know what?”I asked.“I want to write this down.This moment.I think we can use it.Could I grab some paper from the house?”
Are you sure I’ll still be here when you get back?
“Where would you go?”
He crooked his fingers to call me closer.
I crawled to Aster on my knees and prepared to hear something profound or elegant.I still shivered every time I remembered his telling me I was beautiful.Since then, he hadn’t said anything amounting to a compliment.At least, not a compliment of me.He would observe me frequently—he would list my priorities, point out what I was focused on, name the attitudes with which I lived my life.But he said nothing in a kind or endearing way.The fact that I knew he could made me wonder more with every passing day, every passing hour, if now was the time and if he would soon break his silence on the matter of what he thought of me.
Aster lowered me to a sitting position on the smooth wood of the patio and then wrapped his arms around me in a gentle hug.
“What is it?”I asked.
This.
I twisted in confusion.I couldn’t make sense of his words when I couldn’t see his face.“This?Holding me?”
Holding you.
I relaxed.Aster’s hold surprised me with its firmness.He had the hold of a guardian, both protective and confident.A hero’s hold.For a second, I enjoyed it, but my curiosity for more—for confirmation of more—outweighed my desire for the moment to last.“It’s not that it isn’t nice, but I don’t understand,” I commented.“Why are you holding me?”
He said something that I couldn’t rightly understand, either “I want to” or “I want you,” and my heart raced in my chest.
I shifted and turned around.“What was that?I couldn’t hear you.”
I said nothing.
“Sure you did.Say it again.Say it!”
Stella, you shouldn’t press me.
“I just want to know what you said.”I pulled his arms from me and turned around more fully to face him.
Aster’s countenance was pale, marble in the moonlight.His eyes looked larger and more expressive than they did during the day, wide with desire and thirst.I’m a terrible muse,he said.
“No you’re not.I’ve had a really good time.And I do think my writing will be better because of everything we’ve done.”
That’s just it.It’s not your writing I care about.
He glanced over the sea, where a reflection of the overhead moon rippled across the water.
“Then what...?”
He looked at me again, and despite the dark of the night I could still see the blue in his irises clearly.I want you, Stella.I wanted you from the moment you first called me into being.From the moment I first saw you.Your desires, your life, your energy and sad frustration.
My breath stilled in my chest.
Aster continued.This is exactly why I’m not supposed to talk to you about this kind of matter.It’s not right for us, for either of us, and it’s not fair to you.We’re supposed to work together for a single summer, and then I will fade away as soon as you leave to go back to your home in the Green Bay.But I never want to be away from you.I want to be with you always.
