I suddenly feel like an outsider. Hell, I’d rather fight with Vivian than stick around down here. Without a word, I head back to my room.
I listen for Vivian, but there’s no sound coming from his room. Stretching out on my bed, I stare up at the ceiling. What should I stress about first? This thing with Dad and Carolynda? Or what happened earlier with Vivian?
I could apologize. But he’ll just bite my head off.
The memory surfaces before I can stop it.
Vivian against the doorframe as I leaned over him. I’d wanted to punish him.
He pushed me in every way, but there was also something submissive. Did Vivian want to submit to me? Was it the look in his eyes? The way he opened his legs as if he wanted?—
My body is hot all over. With shame? Desire? Maybe both.
But it doesn’t stop me. I imagine Vivian submitting to me. Relying on me to take care of him. Giving me complete control.
Jesus. Watching porn is one thing. But wanting to dominate my stepbrother? Shameful doesn’t cover it. My dad woulddisown me. And even if he didn’t, Carolynda would. What if she left my dad? Just like my mom.
Keep it together,Jonah.
It shouldn’t be too hard. I just have to remember how much I hate Vivian. But for some reason, that’s getting harder to do.
“Fuck.” The harsh whisper comes from our shared bathroom.
Should I leave it? He sounds upset. What if it’s about me? What I did?
I approach our shared door carefully, avoiding the floorboards that tend to creak. Is Vivian sobbing? It’s restrained. As if he’s trying not to.
What the hell is going on in this family? It’s only been a few months since I was home. What did I miss?
I should walk away. Leave him to his grief. That’s what he’d want. But I can’t. I knock softly. “Vivian?”
There’s rustling, and something drops with a thunk.
“Vivian?” I say, a little louder this time. No answer. But when I press my ear to the door, I can hear his stuttered breaths. “Are you okay?”
“Fuck off, Jonah.”
That’s clear enough. When will I learn? I need to stop trying to help him…except that’s what I do. I like helping people. And feeling like you’re all alone sucks. Vivian and I will never be close, but I don’t wish that on anyone.
I drop onto my bed and return to the thing I usually stress about the most. At least it feels normal, unlike this thing with Vivian.
This trip is my chance to come clean. Tell Dad I don’t want to take over the farm. I hate keeping it from him. That’s what Mom did. I can’t do that to him.
But now isn’t the right time to bring it up. Something is going on with Carolynda. What if she’s sick? My Dad can’t take another loss like that. And what about Vivian?
Nausea hits me, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I race to the bathroom but stop at the door. I don’t hear anything. I try the handle. It’s not locked. Relief pours over me as I rush into the room and splash cold water on my face. Gripping the sink, I take deep breaths.
Carolynda is fine. Everything is fine.
Another breath in and out. My stomach settles a bit, and I turn to go back to my room.
And that’s when the yelling starts.
