“I can’t hate you. I’m physically unable to. Even when I’m mad at you, if I see you flinching and being sad like right now, all I want to do is make it better.” He lets out a puff of air, his words unsteady. “Tell me, Preston, how can I make it better, so you won’t leave me again?”
“I won’t do that, I promise. For real this time. Back then,” I step toward him, “I was in so much pain, and I thought letting death finally claim me was the perfect solution. Turns out, it wasn’t, and many people were hurt because of that. I promise not to do it again. I’ll never throw myself in front of a bullet, and I’ll be serious about getting better.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because…” I gulp, the sound echoing around us. “I want you to trust me again. Trust I’d never run away or hurt you when the pain gets to be too much in my brain. Trust I’ll never allow the pain to get so bad that I’ll choose an easy way out.”
“You’d do that?”
“Yeah. For me. For us.” I take another step forward and wrap a hand around his throat, sliding my thumb over his pulse point. “Foryou.”
“For me?” His voice softens and so does his expression.
“For you, yes.” I stroke his throat, my heart feeling so light and full all at once. “You’ve done so many things for me already. It’s time I repay you, even a little, for your patience. You made me feel worshipped and loved when I thought I was unlovable. You gave me the safe space to enjoy our little games, and you never once judged me or pushed me to dowhat I don’t like. And somewhere along the way, I started feeling…thingsI didn’t want to feel. Things I tried to shove down so deep that they wouldn’t suffocate me. But they didn’t. Suffocate me, I mean. Truth is, at that point, you were already in me, flowing under my skin and in every thought I didn’t say out loud. You’re part of me in a way I don’t know how to undo. I don’t think I can breathe right without you. I don’t want to try. So if you’re still willing to be with me…if you’ll give me a chance…I’ll stop running and face this properly. I won’t let you down again. I swear it.”
He remains quiet even though his harsh breaths are echoing in the air.
And I kind of panic a little, my skin flushing hot. “I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy ride or anything. My head is still fucked up, and it’ll get horrible sometimes, so I understand if you don’t want to deal with the hassle, but if you’re willing to be there with me, I’ll try my best, yeah? I’ll take all my meds on time and see my therapist daily if I have to. I’ll tell you everything you wish to know and will stop trying to push you away when all I want is to have you close. I’ll take care of you as well, I promise! I have so many skills aside from possessing money and being pure entertainment. I can drive you around, and…well, I’ll learn anything else or make Hayes do it—Marcus? Say something, I feel like I’m yapping.”
“You’re always yapping, though.” He runs the back of his knuckles across my cheek. “Tell me something, Preston.”
“Anything.”
“Do you love me?”
“I do,” I say without hesitation. “I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I loved you when I thought love was pain.”
“Is it? Do you still feel pain for loving me?”
I shake my head once, then lean my face into his fingers. “No, it’s not pain, even if my brain tried to trick me into feeling like it was.”
“Then what is it?”
“Safety and warmth.” I sink my teeth into my lower lip. “I really want to hug you right now.”
“Come here.” He exhales shakily, tugging me into his arms and burying his face in my neck, his low-spoken words brushing my skin. “I thought I lost you. I thought…I’d never see you again. It broke me beyond repair. I was contemplating following you.”
“Oh, Marcus. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’ll never put you through that pain again.”
“Never?”
“Never.” I draw him flush against me, my arms tightening as my fingers weave through his hair. “I’ll never leave, not even if you beg me to.”
He vibrates against me, his body trembling a little, and I hold him through it. I hold him like I’ll never be apart from him.
Because I’llneverbe apart from him.
I’m done hiding and running. I’m done hurting the one person who makes me breathe properly.
The one person who makes me feel alive.
I burrow myself further into his embrace, wanting to shield him from the world, but also to fuse myself with him so deeply, we’ll never be separated again.
“I would’ve never forgiven you if you’d left me, Preston.”
“I wouldn’t have forgiven myself.”
“Wouldn’t you? You already forgot me once.”
