“Taran, do you have a girlfriend I haven't heard about??” Alejandra's hand is on her heart, and as expected, there are tears in her eyes. I bury my face in my hands. This is getting so out of hand way too soon. They're all lucky I adore them and their meddling ways. Carlo finally saves me.
“When he's ready to talk about her, he will. It's very new and not even official yet. Boundaries, familia, boundaries.”
“Mijo, what has this family ever known about boundaries? If it's new though, we won't jinx it. Taran, I can't wait to hear more about her and hopefully meet her. Now, who needs more pupusas?” Hector says, effectively ending the conversation on that front, thank goodness. Carlo of course takes another one, and pretty much so does everyone else except for my mom and Alejandra, who share one. Hector heads back into the kitchen to put another round on the flat top. To my left, my mom is shifting in her seat with her hand on her stomach after devouring the half she shared. I'm loving seeing her have a good appetite, but I don't like how uncomfortable she looks. She's between me and Alejandra, who is at the head of the table.
“You doing ok, ma?”
“Yes, just a little indigestion. I guess I can't down pupusas like I used to,” she says ruefully.
“Do you want an antacid, Eve?” Alejandra asks, her brows pulled together in concern.
“Oh, I'll be alright, but thank you. I just ate too quickly I think, because they're so delicious as always.”
“Well, let me know if you need one,” Alejandra says, her concern clearly not diminished, and my mom nods reassuringly in answer.
Soon enough, Hector comes back in with another full platter of deliciousness, and we keep eating, drinking, chatting, and catching up about life. Rosa shares that she applied for a promotion to become the head librarian at our local library. Anita has a clothing line designed and ready to be launched in a couple of months that she's incredibly excited about, collaborating with the owner of the boutique two towns over where she works. Lucia shares funny stories from her first grade classroom, and Daniella has some even funnier stories about her animal patients at the veterinary practice she works for as a tech. My mom seems less uncomfortable than she did before, so I relax more. Then Hector goes to keep cooking off the pupusas as our moms make them until there is a huge pile. Eventually Carlo, his sisters, and I end up on the back patio around the fire pit after we do our part in the clean up. Our parents are inside, gossiping about us most likely, while they get all of the leftovers sorted out.
“This was a great night, I'm so glad we could all get together,” Lucia says, taking a big swig of her beer. We all hum our agreement as we breathe in the fresh air, look at the clear sky, and enjoy the warmth of the fire. It's comfortable silence after everything was very chatty and chaotic at the dinner table, I love that we can just sit and enjoy each other's company. The glow from the fire limns everyonein a warm, golden light, and all I feel is peace looking at these faces I love.
My mom and I had pulled away a little in our grief, not seeing them nearly often enough. They still welcomed us like family tonight as though no time has passed, and it warms me more than the fire ever could. Someday I am determined to bring Lyra here and make this picture even more perfect. It's the thought that keeps running through my mind as we all take forever to hug goodbye, I drop my mom off, and then get home to my empty apartment. I think of the feel of her in my arms, how silky the skin of her neck is, and that rose scent that I will now forever associate with her. I think of her dimpled smile, her husky laugh, and her sharp sense of humor.
The thoughts are good enough for now, but they also have me getting uncomfortably hard in my boxer briefs. These few weeks of dancing around each other, literally and figuratively, have my tension at a near boil. Raking my hand through my hair, I decide there's no way I'm going to sleep until it's taken care of. I strip my boxer briefs off and head into the shower, giving my throbbing cock a firm squeeze as the hot water sluices down my chest. Her words play over and over in my mind.I promise I'll make it very worth the wait, Taran.The way she said it in that low, sultry whisper has me tugging faster and harder, until finally I come with her gorgeous face in my mind and her name on my lips.
Chapter 13
Lyra
“It's good to see you, Lyra, I'm glad you reached out.”
Dr. Kirkfield's comforting face fills half of my computer screen. When I reached out to her last week and briefly filled her in on what was going on in my life that I wanted to address, I was really happy to learn that she now does teletherapy and could fit me in for a 45 minute session on my lunch break. With Taran coming over tonight after work bringing food, it's perfect timing to work through some things. Nothing can start with him until I sort myself out first, or at least start to do the work since I'm not sure I'll ever be fully sorted out.
“Thanks for seeing me so quickly, I know it's been a while,” I tell her.
“Of course. You just had your life upended a couple of months ago, I'm always happy to talk.”
“That's what has been the hardest. You know how I always need control, and I feel like I'm free falling. Derek drops his bomb and suddenly I'm moving, getting settled in a new area, and this perfect seeming man wants to date mefor reasons still unclear to me. I can barely sort through the storm in my head.”
“Tell me more about why the reasons this man wants to date you are unclear. Let's start with that, because there is no moving forward with this new man if we don't address that.”
“I'm older and almost divorced, when he could have a much younger, prettier woman with none of the baggage. You know I come with a lot of baggage,” I tell her like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
“I think it's important to remember that what you call baggage is really trauma that is not easy to unpack. Your parents’ divorce and their subsequent behavior, your diagnosis and treatment, now your own divorce and all of these changes...it'll take time and work to parse through all of the emotions, and that's what I'm here to help you do.”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Therapy is amazing, but it also strips me down to being completely raw and emotional. That is obviously not a state of mind that anyone enjoys being in, even if going through it makes me feel better in the end. I take a huge breath and start talking.
“I think Derek and I came to a decent understanding of being civil if we run into each other. We've wished each other well, and the final paperwork just has to be processed. I want to be able to move on with my life. For me it's the broken trust, and the anger over that broken trust that I'm struggling with. I don't know how I didn't see it, and I don't even trust myself to know what's real if he and I weren’t,” I say, shrugging helplessly. “He brought out every insecurity I have about my infertility, about people thinking I'm awful for not wanting children, about being different, and not enough.”
“That's all very valid and normal, Lyra. You wanted totrust your husband and that trust was severely broken. You wanted to trust your parents to always have your best interests at heart, as parents should, and they didn't. It doesn't mean you can't trust again, or have another serious relationship. You have people you love and trust completely in your sister and Gina. They love you unconditionally right back. It's a matter of building that in the same way with a new romantic partner by letting him show you that he can be trusted, which I know is much easier said than done.”
“I don't know how to do that anymore,” I admit. “I’m not sure I even quite got to that level of complete trust with Derek, and maybe that was part of the problem. We didn't have that strength that comes from complete trust. I'm not sure I trust that starting something with Taran this soon wouldn't be a rebound, either.”
“I don't think trust is something tangible that you can learn to do, necessarily. It's something you feel as it's built through things that are tangible, like actions and words. Trust is always earned. It's a matter of being aware that in your case, it's a very tough thing to earn from you and that's ok. As for whether it's a rebound, it's always difficult and confusing moving on from a long term relationship, especially a marriage. Again, you just have to keep checking in with yourself on whether what you feel for him is genuine. Keep in mind that there isn't a set time frame for mourning a relationship and moving on. Every case is different. Does that make sense?”
I take a big breath and nod. “It does. There's a lot to consider, but what you're saying is helpful and hitting home.”
“I’m glad. What are some of your other concerns? Maybe you could expand on why you think you're not enough for people?”
This is getting to the heart of things, and it's so hard to put into words. Dr. Kirkfield is wonderful, and I’ve been seeing her for a long time, but talking about this even with her is almost too much for me to handle. I try anyway with a huge lump in my throat. Speaking my truth is important, as difficult as it is. This is something that both Jeanie and Gina would kick my ass for saying, so I’m thankful for an impartial listener to get what I have weighing me down off my chest.
