Lyra
Four days after that incredibly awkward time at the farmer's market, and I haven't seen Taran. There hasn't been a need for deliveries, since most of the campaigns I'm working on reviewing right now are magazine ads and TV spots, both of which can just be reviewed on the computer. Not like the brochures or displays that are for doctor’s offices or exhibit halls. He did text the next day asking how I was, and we chatted superficially. I then checked in with him yesterday and it was quick.
This is better, I keep telling myself. I was getting way too comfortable with him too quickly. Having some space is desperately needed so I can keep my damn head. When I got home that day, I took Brody for an hour long walk. It helped a little, but there are still so many overwhelming emotions to work out from that encounter. Between the way it looked as though Derek and Taran were going to get into a pissing contest, to me making that raw confession to him, my head is still spinning. I’ve never seen either of them so tense before. Derek is normally pretty unflappable, and Taran has always been the picture of affability. I canstill see Derek’s clenched jaw and stiff handshake, while Taran had bared teeth where his sunny smile normally is.
I know Derek doesn't want me back. It's like I explained to Taran about me being the proverbial shiny toy now that someone else is interested. It still messed with my head that he acted like that, as if he was jealous of Taran. He doesn't have the right to be at all jealous, nor should he be, since he is with Kayla and about to become a father. I felt bad that she saw that. It was shitty. Then there is the fact that I will be cringing forever about my small outburst. Taran must think I'm insane, it seems I am always having emotional breakdowns when he's there. It is not like me at all to break down that way in front of people, I rarely feel safe enough with someone to be that vulnerable. Taran has this way about him that makes me feel safe, for some reason. I also can't believe I went off like that and revealed so much. You know what, though? I can't regret it. If he wants to date me, then he needs to fully know what he's getting into before anything stupid happens, like true romantic feelings. I know I could easily fall for him, and I'm not letting that happen and protecting the hell out of myself until we both are certain that we're on the same page.
I do want to find love again, I'm too much of a romantic to close myself off to it. There’s no sugar coating it, I can't live on just my vibrator forever, either. It’s going to be very different and much more thought out the next time I try for love, though. Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse in having Taran think about fatherhood so soon, but I cannot catch feelings for someone again and then have it end because of my stance on having children. I'm 36, and I do not feel like wasting my time on a relationship that can't go forward. If I scared him, then he's not man enough to bewith me. He needs this space to figure out what he wants his future to look like, too. At 28 he has so much more to figure out and do, this is one of the times where our age gap can be felt. The thought of him saying he dreams of being a dad and just wants to be friends gives me an ache in my chest. When it comes down to it, his friendship already means a lot, and at least I'll hopefully still have that.
I'm trying to focus my thoughts away from Taran and onto the ad I'm supposed to be reviewing, with Brody snoring at my feet. As always, I'm also waiting for my next meal and looking forward to heating up leftovers for lunch when I hear the ping of a text coming through. I groan when I see it’s from Derek.
DEREK
My lawyer says you should be receiving the final paperwork today in the mail. All you have to do is sign and send it back to your lawyer and they will take care of copies, filing it, etc.
Thanks for the heads up
Lyra, about Saturday. I acted poorly. It was just a shock to run into you, and with someone
Seriously? More shocking than you coming home and telling me you've been having an affair and wanted a divorce, Derek? I'm not even dating Taran and you both were two seconds away from dick measuring
I'm sorry. I guess I'm still protective of you and needed to get a read on him. It's pretty clear he wants to date you, I hope you do. You looked good together
Appreciate the sentiment, but none of that is even close to your business anymore. You can go focus on Kayla and your baby, they are your business now
In spite of how badly I handled things, I will always care about you, Lyra. You're a wonderful woman and I hope you find happiness. I won't ask about your personal life though, I'm sorry again. For everything
I feel like we need this closure. We might still run into each other from time to time, and it would be a lot less awkward if we just let each other know we care and wish each other well. I also set my boundary that my personal life isn't his business anymore. I loved this guy for 9 years. I'm a tough bitch who can absolutely hold a grudge, but if I'm going to move forward from the breakdown and end of our marriage, holding onto this hurt and anger is not going to do any good. The only person it will damage is me.
I'll always care about you, too, Derek. I hope you've found what you're looking for with Kayla. I promise I won't bite your head off if we run into each other again. I'll mail the signed papers in asap after I look at them
Thank you. If you have any questions about it let me know
I will, thanks
I feel a little lighter after the conversation. Derek wishing me well, me doing the same, the knowledge that the papers are ready to sign today, it all helps quiet some of the loudest anxieties going on in my head. There is still processing to do about this divorce, but at least I'm not in a bad situation. I have my house, I have Brody, I'm financially fine, and I have my support system. Whether that support system will end up including Taran is really what's bugging me at the moment. To his immense credit, he didn't shy away when I told him about my stance on having children. The judgment and ridicule never came like it normally does. As pessimistic as I usually am, maybe there is hope that we can be something great together.
I feel even better after having my pasta leftovers and playing with Brody outside on my lunch break. It cannot be stated enough how much I love working from home. I get back to work and am actually able to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing, in spite of the million distracting thoughts going on in my head. There are two mind numbing meetings in which I am able to contribute a lot so that the ads are perfect, and the day goes pretty smoothly. No sign of the resubmitted campaign from my buddy Garrett yet, thank goodness for small mercies. As I'm finishing up my work for the day, I hear the special text tone I have assigned to my sister beep.
JEANIE
What's the latest on your jaw? When are you going to see Dr. Oren?
Ah, crap. I've been procrastinating and also trying to figure out what to do about gettingcoverage for it.
No appointment yet, I'm on it though
I know how you procrastinate with these things, but just do it and get it over with. Once you get it done that should hopefully be it for surgeries for the foreseeable future. Rip off the bandaid
I hate when she's right and calls me on my bullshit. Not really, I adore her for it, but it's still annoying to be wrong and called out. I'm sure she knew before she texted that I hadn't made the appointment yet.
I will. What's going on there? How are the kids?
Calling them kids is even a stretch now. My two nephews, James and Grady, are 20 and 18 and are technically adults now. My niece Bianca is 15. It's mind boggling to me considering I was changing their diapers what feels like just yesterday.
They're good, same old same old. James and Grady are loving college this year, they're so happy to be on campus together now. Bianca is still getting into makeup artistry, I'll send you pics of her latest work
Yes, please. I'm so stinking proud of those 3. You've been mothering since I was born and you don't suck at it!
