Now that I'm older and have embraced being different, it's great. I let in the few people who are able to take me as I am, which takes a while. I try extremely hard to not let people see that I'm different, and keep up my mask until I'm comfortable enough to show that vulnerability. The people who end up not being able to handle my physical differences and general quirks, and there have been many, can go fuck right off and I don't feel guilty about it. As a kid trying desperately to fit in and make friends though, it was awful. The bullying was out of control. I was called every version of the word "freak,” shoved into lockers, made fun of incessantly about being so short, beaten up, given the cold shoulder, spit balls shot into my hair, you name it. I was scrappy right back, though. I threw some punches to defend myself, and took down a girl who kept pushing me. It got me in trouble, too. Now I simply stay away from people as much as I can, because while schoolyard scraps are bad, it is unfortunately even more frowned upon to punch assholes in polite adult society. I've been working to not have such a short fuse. There is a lot to unlearn and unpack, since I had to fight like hell all growing up. My family always jokes that being such a fighter is what got me through everything, but it also made me a stubborn pain in the ass.
I settle up with Denise and say goodbye to her before I make the drive home. At least I don't have to cook tonight since I have leftovers from the pasta I made last night. I don't know how to cook for just one person, but leftoversare the best anyway. I'm lost in the audiobook I've got playing through the bluetooth when a call comes through from my sister Jeanette.
“Helloooo,” I singsong like I always do when she calls.
“Figured I would check in real quick with how the appointment went while I head out to see some clients,” she says by way of greeting.
“Nothing earth shattering. It looks like my jaw is officially screwed, though. Probably literally, it might need surgery with screws to put it back together right. I have to go see that specialist Dr. Oren up in New York state to figure out the next steps.”
“Good lord. Would it have been better if you had done it 10 years ago?”
“No idea. I stopped growing at 22, so probably not. The joints are just starting to protest now, it seems.”
“Well, keep me posted. I'm almost to my client, but what else is going on?”
“I’ve been meaning to tell you. There's a guy I've been talking to. I'm not ready for anything romantic, especially not until the divorce is final, but he seems pretty great.”
“What's his name, how did you meet, and why am I just hearing about this now??”
“Taran, he's a UPS driver that delivers to my house, and because it's extremely new and scary.”
“I need more details but not when I'm in a rush. This needs my undivided attention. I think scary is good though, don't let it stop you from figuring out if it could be something. Text me later.”
“Will do. Love you, talk to you soon.”
“Love you, too.” I can feel her worry through the phone as we hang up.
My sister was basically my other mother growing up.She's 11 years older and did everything with me. I was her shadow. She has three incredible, nearly grown children of her own now, but the joke is that I was her first child. It was she who took me shopping for my first bra at 14, even though I didn't really need one until I went on estrogen injections at age 17 to see if I would develop at all. She taught me how to shave, how to handle my period once I started having it no thanks to the hormones, and was always generally my sounding board about everything. When she had to move away to Texas because of my brother-in-law's work, I was beyond devastated. I used to be at her house for dinner, babysitting, you name it multiple times a week. Now I see her once or twice a year. I push the pangs of missing her and her family aside, though. This is what happens in adulthood, people spread out and live their lives. It sucks though. I fly to their house every year, usually around Christmas if possible, and I get tearful every damn time I leave. My life and work are here though, and there's no telling if my brother-in-law will be transferred somewhere else if I were to move to be near them. Then I would truly be alone.
When I pull into my driveway, it's almost 8 and I'm exhausted after working until 3 and then heading into the city for my appointment. Getting out of my car, something on my front porch catches my eye. There's a sticky note attached to a zip top baggie with treats inside.
Hey Firecracker,
I was thinking of you when I had some deliveries in your neighborhood (though no new work for you, so that's good news). Thought Iwould just say hi and leave some treats for my favorite pup to win him back, the cheater. Hope to see you soon.
- Taran
After such a long day, to say that the gesture warms my heart is a huge understatement. I'm starting to even like his silly nickname for me against my better judgment. Smiling like an idiot, I go inside and let Brody out before rewarding him with a couple of Taran's treats. Such a simple thing made my entire day. The fact that he was thinking of me and my dog is making my heart do things I swore I wouldn't let it do after my divorce. Part of me mistrusts how good he seems.
That's the old adage, right? If someone is too good to be true, they probably are. Is it just his game or is he genuine? I don't know how to trust someone or something so seemingly perfect when I don’t even trust myself anymore. With the exception of Gina and my sister, I don't think I've ever had that level of complete and utter trust in anyone, even Derek. I just blithely ignored the signs with him, going against all of my natural instincts because I wanted to have that trust in him so badly.
I shake out of my thoughts. I'll address my trust issues later, they're a big jumble for future Lyra to unravel with some needed appointments with my therapist. It's been a while, but after the divorce it's time to go back to seeing Dr. Kirkfield. For now, I want to enjoy the gesture as the kindness it seems to be, and shoot him a text.
Brody was really happy about his surprise, and it made my day. Thank you, Taran
A few minutes later, I see his response come through.
I'm glad, and you're very welcome. Did you have a good day?
Not a bad day, just really long and exhausting. So it was nice to have that smile at the end of it. How was your day?
Good now that I know I made you smile. Same old same old here, work was fine
See, this is what I mean. How is he so charming and perfect?
I’m glad. Thank you again for thinking of us. I better eat and settle in for the night, I'm dead on my feet
Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because he has me feeling soft. The urge to see him is strong, since I want to figure this man out and get to know him. I make a last minute decision that I hope I don't regret.
