"I really think going with her is a good idea, Caiden," she said, smiling softly. "It could be a great way for you two to bond, and it might help you find closure with your father. I know a lot of your pain stems from your relationship with him, and that's connected to Amelia. Just remember to set boundaries and take things slowly. Baby steps."
“You make it sound so easy.”
She chuckled. "Healing isn't easy," she said, "it's not a linear path, but you have to put in the work, one day at a time. We all make mistakes; we've all done things we regret, believing at thetime they were right, necessary for survival, or coping. But that doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you've had a rough life, and it's shaped you into someone you're not happy with."
“Thank you for saying that. Most days, I feel like a piece of shit.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Caiden. You’ve gone through a lot. Forgiveness is the first step in recovery. Forgiveness with yourself and others.”
It made sense, but a part of me didn’t want to find forgiveness. I don’t think I would ever forgive my father, or my mother, but I couldn’t tell her that.
Just smile and nod.
“Thanks. I’m hoping this trip to my hometown won’t be a complete disaster.” Despite the confidence in my voice, the doubts were lingering.
“I hope so too. You have a lot of strength to go back there. Whenever you feel the monster in you, as you put it, creeping up, I want you to try and ground yourself. Do anything that helps to calm yourself or bring you back to the present, diverting your emotions from spiraling downwards.” Little did she know how much fucking control it had over me. Sitting there with a smile and those eyes, which were attempting to pick me apart, she was clueless.
“Got it. Ground myself. Mindfulness. I’ll do that,” I replied as calmly as I could.
Eventually, the session ended, and I thanked her for her time, then left. I should have told her where I was going after this, but this was a subject that I had pushed down for years, so it wouldn’t be easy dragging it out.
The café came into view, and I parked my car in a spot furthest away, wanting to procrastinate as much as possible.
It was Shane’s idea to do this. He told me that I had to face this, especially since I would be living under their roof for a littlewhile. And, if I were going with Amelia, I had to acknowledge my wounds before I went back to the origin of my brokenness.
“Come on, Caiden. Don’t be a fucking coward.” Grumbling to myself, I left the safety of my car and walked towards the café entrance. Once inside, I scanned the room and felt a heat simmering the moment I saw her.
She caught my eye and waved me over.
With a clenched heart, I went towards her.
“Caiden, hello. I’m glad we could meet.” She motioned for me to sit down in the booth across from her.
“Hello, Helen. Don’t flatter yourself, this was Shane’s idea.” Coldness spilled from my lips, a habit of mine when I felt cornered or agitated.
Her face sunk for a moment before a façade of optimism replaced it.
“Well, I’m just glad you agreed to go along with it! Since our interaction at Shane’s wedding, I have felt terrible. I want to make it up to you and maybe get to know you.” Helen smiled at me, a warmness radiating from her.
For a moment, the ice on my heart began to thaw as I looked at her, the little boy inside of me who yearned for a mother coming to the surface. I could barely remember her from my childhood. Though, there were small flashes of memory.
She had birthed me. Biologically, she was my mother.
Then, I remembered the years of sorrow and loneliness. Wishing I could have my mother to protect me and to love me.
I had no mother. My mother died when she left us.
“Yeah, I was pissed off. What did you expect? You left me alone with that monster. You could have taken me with you. But no, you already had a new, fresh son growing in your belly. Why would you want the broken one?” Anger filled my body once more as I snapped at her, the reality of pain washing over me.
Shane was better in every way. Unlike me, he was successful, talented, had a happy childhood, and was far more easygoing. He was all sunshine and warmth; I, on the other hand, was dark and broken.
Just as Shane mirrored his mother, I find myself mirroring my father.
Leaning forward and placing her hands on the table, Helen sighed, her eyes filled with an intensity of sorrow as she looked at me. "Believe me, leaving you behind caused me a great deal of pain," she said. "I never imagined he would treat you so badly. To survive, I had to escape your father and create a fresh start; at the time, it seemed the best course of action to leave that part of my life behind. But I'm only human, Caiden. This is my first life on Earth, and I make mistakes, just like everyone else."
“Really? You knew him better than I did, and you didn’t think he would turn and take his anger out on me?” My voice rose, causing a few heads to turn, but I couldn’t care.
“I was aware of his temper. I fell in love with him, very aware of his issues. I thought it would be okay, but when you were born, the stress piled on, and we lost our connection. He had his affair with Judy, and when I found out, that was it for me. So, I began doing my own thing. I started seeing somebody and got pregnant. He received a job offer somewhere else, far away from Brian, so I agreed to go when he told me I could live a better life. So, I began the process of divorcing Brian. Leaving, though, meant I had to leave you behind. I thought I would be able to visit you, but life happened, and suddenly, too many years had passed.” While talking, she began to silently cry. Tears fell with each word that left her mouth, and I listened, a storm of emotions overtaking me.
