She raises her hand. "Please, Sky, let me finish. It's hard enough for me to say this."
To say what? Nausea grips me, but I nod. I'll remain silent until she's done.
"Your father and I imagined what it would be like once you were with us. How your eyes would sparkle, and how your laughter might sound. How it would feel to see a new person united with a part of each of us." Her expression is wistful as she indulges in the memory. But now her face changes abruptly, becoming remorseful and desperate. "Then you were born."
I don't understand. My birth alone disappointed her?
Her upper body stiffens. "That day was supposed to be the happiest of my life. I wanted nothing more, you have to believe me." She looks at me intensely. "Yet your first cry marked the beginning of the end."
Once again, there's that pain in my chest, even more intense than before.
As my thoughts whirl in my head like a roller coaster, Mother reaches her hands out toward me. Hesitantly, I take them.
"I wanted to be happy, but my world turned dark. After your birth, I was trapped in a deep depression for months," she says, squeezing my fingers, perhaps hoping for a response. "Gustav didn't understand. He thought I was too lazy to take care of my own baby."
There's profound sadness on her face, and I can empathize with that. After all, I know Father. I know how unacceptable weakness is to him. Now, I squeeze her hand as a sign that I'm here.
She smiles sadly. "I overcame that dark phase, but a part of it has always remained with me."
She had been depressed her entire life?
I try to remember. So often, she was as uninvolved as a beautiful statue in the midst of a lively world. As a child, I was convinced she simply had no interest in playing with me. I thought she didn't like me. And that I had to make an effort to change that.
"I'm so sorry," she says, looking at me earnestly. "I couldn't be there for you, not in the way you needed."
So that's why we had nannies even though she never worked. Not because she didn't want me, but because she couldn't be there for me!
"I felt so ashamed," she admits. "Unbearably ashamed."
"And Father wanted to keep it a secret at all costs," I add, as that's evident. "So much so that I wasn't even allowed to find out."
Did he ever think about what he was doing to me?
She nods solemnly. "I wanted it that way too. We were supposed to be a happy family, and I did everything to create that world for you."
Should I tell her that she didn't succeed? That I always felt that distance between us? That I constantly had the feeling shedidn't see me, while Father—sometimes even with pride in his eyes—was there for me?
No, it would only hurt her more.
"I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to have a good life, to be happy, and to fulfill your dreams." She releases her fingers from mine and strokes my forearm.
"But I never wanted to be a model," I say, as that's what she wanted to make of me. I remember her suggesting it to Father more than once.
"I know." She tilts her head. "You always wanted to follow in your father's footsteps."
"But if you..." I understand nothing now. Why did she persuade me to model if she knew thatTouch av lyxwas my big dream?
She sighs, withdrawing her hands and taking her tea bag out of the cup. "I wasn't sure if the company was right for you. You've always been enthusiastic about fashion, but the business side was a struggle for you."
I bite my lip. "They go hand in hand."
"That's exactly why I thought if you model, you could have fashion without the numbers and facts." She smiles at me, almost apologetically.
A strange thought. "I only modeled for you. So that you..." I stop myself to avoid hurting her. "Touch av lyxhas my whole heart. Always has and still does today." Well, the business part isn't enjoyable, but that's just how it is. Not everything can be fun.
She absentmindedly brings the tea cup to her lips. "Then I must have been mistaken, I'm sorry."
In the past few minutes, she has apologized to me more times than in my entire life. "It's not your fault," I say empathetically, and even though the conversation has taken a different turn, I'm sure she understands what I mean.
