Chapter 21
Sky
With a pounding heart, I cross the living room. The wooden floorboards creak under my feet, and the fire in the fireplace crackles. Everything around me seems peaceful, but inside me, a war rages.
I shouldn't have asked so many questions, and I shouldn't have answered so much. I shouldn't have told him about my drug addiction yesterday, let alone brought him here. What was I thinking?
Even without looking, I feel his eyes drilling into my back.
I stop at the glass front and whirl around. "Alright, then I'll get to work."
Just because I'm not in Stockholm doesn't mean I can't be involved withTouch av lyx. My laptop is with me, along with pictures of the designs for the upcoming fall and winter collection that I secretly took in Kahlo's office because he wouldn't show me anything.
I clap my hands in a feigned motivated manner, and Kjell looks at me bewildered.
"You could take photos of the island while I work. There are many beautiful places here. Photographers love that, right?" AmI coming across as too over the top? Perhaps. But I have to do it, before I lose myself in Kjell's proximity even more.
As if he's not considering my suggestion at all, he comes closer to me. "Do you really want that?" he asks so penetratingly that I involuntarily gasp for breath.
Yes.
No.
I don't know.
All I know is that his presence often makes me forget too much. That he radiates something warmer than the fireplace. That I would rather spend the whole day with him and just be myself.
I want to show him all my wounds and find out if he can heal them.
But amid all the chaos in my heart, the facts remain unchanged. There's too much I need to make up for, and I can only do that by keeping Kjell at a distance and holding on to my heart. Most importantly, now I need to gain the trust ofTouch av lyx'semployees. Only when they understand that I mean them no harm can my dream come true.
"What are you afraid of?" He closes the distance between us, capturing my gaze. There's urgency in his expression.
"Nothing," I stammer awkwardly. "I just need to..." Uh, yeah, what do I actually need to do? I had a plan just a moment ago.
Or did I?
"You're lying," he says, sounding deeply hurt.
Swallowing hard, I look at him. How does he know?
"Because you're afraid of the truth," he adds.
I feel both hot and cold at the same time. Can he read that in my expression? Or is he just guessing wildly?
He tilts his head to the side and narrows his eyes, as if he could discover something in my eyes that he hadn't seen before. "But only the truth matters."
For a moment, his gaze becomes unsteady. This is the moment when I recall our conversation in Milan. The lie he grew up with. But also the fact that he didn't want to tell me the full truth.
"Oh really?" I respond with a fluttering voice. "Then I want to hear yours first. The whole truth."
I may be acting unfairly, but I've already told him so much about myself. Before I reveal another one of my secrets, he has to give me a reason to trust him.
He swallows hard and looks away. "What do you mean?"
"The big lie of your childhood," I reply, feeling instantly intrusive. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I add hastily, realizing that I know best how it feels to be pressured. Who am I to demand that he reveal his innermost self to me when I won't let him get close to me?
He buries his hands in his pockets. "I know," he says, exhaling slowly. "But I want to."
