"You need to see a doctor. There might be something wrong," Anita says, placing her hand gently on my forearm and looking at me intently.
I wave her off. "The treatment is already underway."
"Then take time off until you're feeling better," she suggests. "Peter will surely understand."
No. I can't cause him more trouble than I already have. "Let me handle it on my own. I just need a little time, and I have that. My name is not on the duty roster for the next two days, and I've already requested time off for next week." To go to Munich with Elina. Just the thought of it makes my stomach ache. Because I know she'll be radiant with happiness there, and I won't have the heart to bring up the job application and dampen the mood.
Anita tilts her head. "Are you sure?"
Now it's me reaching for her forearms. "Absolutely. I'll get some rest. The test results should be in soon, and with the right medication, everything will fall into place." I try to sound confident although I'm not. Because even if I get rid of the nightmares, this heavy exhaustion has plagued me even when I could still sleep.
My coworker gazes at me uncertainly.
"Please. Don't tell Peter," I implore her earnestly. "If I can't handle it myself, I'll talk to him. I promise."
Biting her lower lip, she crosses her arms over her chest. "If you act negligent and I knew about it, then—"
"I won't." I interrupt her although I can never guarantee that. Right after work, I'll get a sleep aid. I also need to work on a solution for how Elina and I can still have a future. "You can trust me. It will never happen again."
She doesn't react for too long. "I'll keep an eye on you," she finally says with a stern voice, pointing her index finger at me.
"Thank you." That's all I can manage to say because suddenly my throat tightens. I don't deserve her help, and certainly not her friendship. Yet she's there for me. At least she pretends to be. But can I really trust her? It's better not to.
She jumps up from her chair. "And now I'll get you a coffee," she announces enthusiastically and dashes off toward the break room.
I watch her go, filled with anger toward myself. But no matter how much I hate everything that has happened in my life, one thing is clear: It's time to work even harder on myself. Because if Elina were to leave and I were to lose my job on top of that, I would be truly lost.
