But it won't last long. My facial muscles give in, and my shoulders become heavy. It's the same every time. Every damn time.
"But..."
There it is. Thebut. That small word that shatters everything. I hold my breath, bracing myself for the worst even though it seems impossible.
"This position in general medicine doesn't fit the picture at all. Why did you decide to complete your training there?" There's a condescending tone in his voice. He knows that I only deal with simple cases here. And he knows that working for Helene is a setback in my career.
"It was important to me to have a comprehensive understanding of the medical profession." I hear the uncertainty in my words, and he surely does too.
"Ms. Gross..." A crease forms between his bushy eyebrows. "If you want to belong to the elite—and your résumé suggests that you do—you can't waste your time with such trivial matters."
"Of course not," I quickly respond. I can't let him think I'm an idiot. Because I'm not. Well, not really. Not entirely.
"If that's the case, why are you content with diagnosing scarlet fever, prescribing antibiotics, and administering vaccinations?" Leaning forward, supported by his hands, he gets closer. Close enough for me to see his probing gaze. It gives me goose bumps and leaves me without an answer to his question.
Should I tell him the truth?
No.
Clearly, he has no idea what happened in my previous position. If he knew, the conversation would be over before I could even justify myself. Not that there would be any justification for it...
"Ms. Gross?" He raises his eyebrows impatiently.
I let my shoulders sag. "I underestimated how unchallenging the position would be," I say apologetically. "But I'm someone who finishes what they start. Giving up is not an option for me." Wherever that sudden inspiration came from, I mentally pat myself on the back for it.
For a moment, he wrinkles his nose. "General medicine is beneath you."
I feel resistance building within me. It's not that terrible. And I don't appreciate his judgment of Helene's work either. She also contributes to people's health, albeit in a comparatively small way. I would love to tell him that, but instead, I muster a smile. After all, I want to play in his league and have a job that I can be proud of, both for myself and others.
"That's why I applied," I respond firmly. "Since as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of becoming a neurologist." As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize that I shouldn't have said them. Dreams. Itsounds like I'm a foolish child imagining owning a pony farm someday. Doctors don't have dreams. They have goals.
"My goal is to specialize in migraine disorders," I quickly add. The wooden floor is now pressing hard against my buttocks, and an uncomfortable tingling sensation runs through my legs.
He nods approvingly. "Then we shall see if we can get you out of the dead end you've found yourself in."
Inevitably, I swallow hard. I always knew this position was far from glamorous. But I never expected such harsh judgment from a respected authority like Dr. Hafner. "That would be great," I say although it feels strange. Not least because I now realize how much I am derailing my career and thereby my only chance to help my brother.
I don't want that. All my life, I wanted to do something meaningful. I wanted to save lives.
And I don't want to bring shame to my parents. They don't deserve it, especially with all the problems they already have with Aaron. They should be proud of me, look at me with that joyful sparkle in their eyes. I am their obedient girl, the child they can always rely on.
The daughter who tries everything not to disappoint them. Thinking about what I've done to my parents with my expulsion from the Vienna clinic makes it almost impossible for me to sit upright. No wonder they don't want to come and visit me in Tyrol. I don't deserve their love. What possessed me earlier to demand affection from my mother even though I haven't earned it?
"Alright, we have discussed everything," says theonly man who can help me fix my life from a distance. "We will be in touch soon with our decision."
"Thank you for the pleasant conversation." I smile at him sincerely. Then we wish each other a good evening and say our goodbyes.
As soon as I end the video call, I bury my face in my hands. There's nothing but guilt within me. I have to make amends for what I've done. I must!
There's only one scenario for my future where I can have everything that's important to me.
The position for the neurology residency.
Vienna.
And Noah, who is not only absolutely safe but will also accompany me there. No matter how many times Maya warns me about seeing things through rose-colored glasses. This time it's different. As soon as he's with me, I feel that I can trust him.
If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that I need to focus with all my might. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And that's exactly what I'll do.
