I have to stop. Right now.
But my body does as it pleases. I lean farther over her until my lips touch her forehead. They rest gently between her eyebrows. I inhale her scent and feel her warmth. A longing spreads within me, so powerful that I cannot ignore it.
That's when I know it's too late.
Much too late.
And this, even though I mustn't let this woman get close to me. And certainly not the happiness she makes me feel. My heartbeat accelerates, panic rises within me. It forms an invisible wall between Elina and me. However, I am no longer safe here.
I tear myself away and storm out of the bedroom. Internally restless, I make coffee, throw on a jacket, and leave the house with the steaming cup in my hand. The crisp air cannot quell the turmoil within me, so I crossthe clearing toward the lake. The wooden pier creaks beneath my feet, but I barely notice. Because the longing within me roars so loudly that everything around me seems to disappear.
The still water lying in front of me. The scent of the forest. The cool breeze brushing against my cheeks.
I stop at the edge and take a sip of my coffee. The longing is still with me, painting images in my mind that I simultaneously love and hate.
My God, what should I do? How can I be near Elina without it tearing me apart from the inside? How can I breathe the same air as her and look into her eyes without forgetting that she should stay away from me?
"Good morning." Suddenly, she stands right beside me. And she smiles at me. So radiant. So beautiful.
I shouldn't look at her, but my gaze is glued to her.
She tilts her head. "Are you okay?"
Well, sort of. Definitely. Maybe. "Everything's fine," I say.
Her skeptical expression tells me that she has caught me. Slowly, she turns her attention to the lake. "How beautiful the surface sparkles," she says meaningfully.
Immediately, I understand what she's alluding to. What I should respond, but I don't. In fact, I should beg her to leave me alone. I should push her away, run away, and do everything to forget her. But not a single word escapes my mouth. I’m like a prisoner in my own mind, at war with myself.
"But I won't be fooled by that sparkle. I want to dive to the depths," she continues as if she has no idea what she's doing. Then she turns her head and looks intensely at me. "Because there lies a treasure, I'm sureof it." The bright gleam in her eyes reaches me. She smirks.
My God.
"And what if you're mistaken?" I croak as a heat spreads within me, capable of burning everything to the ground.
Suddenly, she leans toward me and rises on her tiptoes. Her head inches closer to mine, our cheeks touching. "I’ve already seen it," she whispers in my ear. "It's here."
I want nothing more than to believe her.
"And it’s beautiful," she adds with her velvety chocolate voice.
It's not. It's ugly. A monstrosity. Yet it seems wonderfully far away right now.
"What are you doing to me?" Did I say that out loud? And do my arms really suddenly wrap around her waist?
I hear her shaky exhale. "I could ask you the same thing."
No, no, no. It can't be like this.
I pull her closer to me and bury my face in the fluffy collar of her jacket and her neck. I don't want to let go of her for anything in the world. How can something feel so right and so wrong at the same time?
"I don't deserve you," I whisper with a choked voice, and with that, it's officially confirmed. I have not only lost my mind but also my heart.
She turns her head, forcing me to release mine. Then she looks deeply into my eyes. "Who decides our happiness?" she asks. "And who lives our dreams?" Her hands caress my back. "Who dries our tears, and who forgives us for our mistakes?"
I’m unable to answer.
"Only we do." A wistful smile flits across her lips. It's as if she, too, feels something within her that is greater than herself.
I cup her delicate face in my hands and trace her fine features with my thumbs. There's nothing left of my panic, only the longing burning brightly within me. It may be wrong, but right now, at this moment, I no longer care.
Slowly, I close the distance between us, and with every small fraction of an inch, my heartbeat accelerates a little more. "You're incredible," I tremble, and that's only a fraction of what I would love to tell her.
With an expression full of yearning, she presses herself closer to me. Our noses touch. A tingling sensation runs through my entire body, and I feel the magic of the moment down to my toes. Nothing can stop me now. I want to give her everything of myself. I want to kiss her until the moon rises and hold her in my arms as long as she'll allow.
I gently place my lips on hers. She returns my kiss with such intensity as if she has been waiting for it her entire life. A second later, it feels as if my feet no longer touch the ground.
I'm floating. Together with Elina. Closer and closer to our own heaven.
