Anger wells up inside me. He destroyed my trust in all people, even those who deserve it. Especially in Josh.
"Whatever you did, I loved you unconditionally. I did everything for you, while you only had to do one thing for me." Alcohol was always more important to him. His damn addiction had such a firm grip on him that I never had a chance. "No one could have stopped it, right?" I sniffle. "Because you didn't want to change."
I clench my teeth together. Because right now, a realization is rising within me that has the power to tear down even the last foundations inside me.
"I am not the failure between the two of us. You are." In my words lies that exact mix of melancholy and pity that I suddenly feel so strongly in my heart.
And suddenly, what didn't fit together before finally makes sense. Because now, as I can see the whole truth about my father, I feel one thing with certainty.
Josh and he have nothing in common.
My father was already drunk in the mornings. He truly cared about nothing and no one except his bottle. Josh, on the other hand, now does everything to be there for Sophia. He helped me believe in myself because despite my father's great words, his actions only showed me that I was worthless.
Josh is not an alcoholic. He never was, and he never will be. It's the fear of failing that forced him to temporarily reach for the last lifeline available.
I know that fear all too well. I know how it feels when the pressure threatens to suffocate you. I know what lies behind his dreams, and I know that his makeshift solution will soon no longer be necessary.
"At first, I thought Josh and I were completely different," I explain to my father, even though I don't owe him anything. "But now I realize that deep down, we feel exactly the same." We both have dreams, hopes, and goals. And we both are plagued by the idea of never achieving them. It's just that our ways of dealing with it are different.
Josh has always fought for his dream, while I let myself be intimidated by the smallest hurdle. Because my father, with his behavior, constantly reminded me that I couldn't win anyway.
But that ends now. It's time for me to stand up for myself. And even more so for my feelings for Josh. It's been a few days since I received any messages from him. He gave up. But I'm ready to fight for our love.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks. Then I take the music box out of my bag and place it at the base of the tombstone, nestled among the ivy vines. I don't need it anymore.
What I truly need to be happy is Josh.
One last time, I place my hand on the tombstone. My gaze finds the engraving of his name, and a compassionate smile spreads across my face.
"I sincerely wish that you find your peace," I say with a steady voice. Because that's exactly what I have just done.
