I’m a little girl, hidden in my bedroom as my mother rants and breaks things. Soon, she’ll come for me to hit me, to make me pay for fucking things up.
Look what you’ve done.
Shame and fear flood me. I have to get away. I can’t stay here any longer, can’t bear to bring any more devastation to this family. If it weren’t for me, Leith’s father wouldn’t hate him, he’d be able to take his place as their leader without me being in the way.
I look wildly about me and my eyes land on a set of keys. Flora doesn’t even look at me as staff comes running in to help.
He might die, and it’s all my fault.
It’s always my fault.
I take the keys and run.
I haven't driven a car in ages, and I'm not even sure how to do it well. And this one was the smallest one in the lot. I figure if I mess this up, if I wrap it around a tree, at least they won't miss it. I'm so in my head that I don't hear anyone shouting for me, and it isn't until I'm in the car and cranking the engine that I see Nan waving to me from her home. She's running my way as if she wants to stop me from escaping, but I can't stop now.
And she wouldn't stop me, either. Not if she knew what I’d just done. She’d tell me to go.
Suddenly I see Bailey outside the door to the garage. I pull over, park the car, and grab his collar. I yank him with me. I don’t know where I’ll go, but at least I don’t have to be alone.
I don't want to leave this beautiful home. I don't want to leave this family. But what have I done? What if I've killed their father? I know it was only self-defense, but people have suffered the death penalty for less than this. And the Cowen clan has their own form of retribution and punishment. Their own laws.
Hail slaps at the windshield, as I drive down the steep slope that takes me away from the Highlands. I swear I've left a part of me back there. A part of me with Leith. What will he do when he sees what I’ve done?
I'll go to the church. It's the only thing I can think of. Father MacGowen has an emergency fund for people that need it. Andthis is an emergency. I know I can never go back to where I was before, I know that I can never allow my brother to hurt me again, nor my mother. I don't belong there anymore. I never did.
It will be hard for a girl that can't speak to get a job, but I'll find a way. I'll do anything I need to. I just need to find my way, escape the wrath of the Cowen clan, and make sure that they don't come after me next. I want to ball up and cry, at all I’ve lost in such a short period of time. Bailey laps at my hand and I pat his head. He's the only thing making this bearable.
My mind goes over every detail as I make the long drive into Inverness. What I did to his father. What he said. The emphasis on bringing up every single self-doubt I've ever had. The knowledge that this family trusted me, and I violated that trust. It's devastating. I came here a broken woman, and allowed my imagination to rule me. I fancied that I could become whole among them, that they would value me for who I am. But I was wrong.
I pat Bailey's head, wishing that I could speak, then I could pour my heart out to him. To somebody. He looks at me with his doleful eyes and licks my hand again. I pat his head thinkinggood boy.
I hold the steering wheel with my hands, gripping so tightly my knuckles whiten because I haven't driven in so long, and this is no easy drive. I focus with everything I have. The winding road in front of me, the icy road, the way the car swerves when it hits a patch of ice.
I just have to get to the Cathedral. That's all I have to do. I have to pray that Leith and his brothers don't find out that I left before I can get to Father MacGowen. I have to beg Father MacGowen to let me have my privacy, and not let the Cowenfamily know what's come of me. They won't come to rescue me, but they could kill me. I'll never forget the man Leith killed with his bare hands. And now I've hurt their father, maybe even killed him, and I don't know what clan law is, but I know that what I've done is a terrible travesty.
I wipe tears from my eyes, as I drive down the steep slope into Inverness. I loved being with that family. My heart clenches in my chest, my throat is tight, and the tears don't soothe the aching that I feel in my heart. It wasn't just his family that I love. I know now. I love him.
And because I love him, I have to go now. I can't make him choose between his family and me if he even has that choice in front of him. What if he let his own feelings get in the way? What if he thinks that I'm the one that he needs. Even though I want that so badly, it would make him choose between two things that he loves and I can't do that to the person I truly love.
The hail lightens as I pull into the town. I look about me, afraid that someone is going to see me. What if his sisters do? What if Leith is around here? I don't know where he's gone or why, but I know that he's probably not anywhere near the Cathedral. At least I hope not. The Cathedral is easy to see because of the large cross at the very top that points to the sky like a beacon in the night. I follow it.
The car gives a great lurch, and I look about me as if I struck something. But a car doesn't lurch if you strike something, there's a crash and bang. There's nothing in front of me, though. But as I stare at the dash, I realize that something’s wrong. The needle that's supposed to be in the center, telling me the temperature of the engine, is deeply buried in the red zone. The car is overheating? I don't know enough about cars to find outwhat's going on. It comes to a halt and I hit the brake. I turn the key in the ignition again, but this time it does nothing.
I look wildly about me. What am I going to do now? How am I going to get out of this? God, I have Bailey, and all he has is Islan’s rope, not even a leash. I’m several blocks away from the Cathedral. I think I can make it.
My phone is buzzing with message after message. I look at the screen and see Leith’s name over and over again. I shake my head and shut it off. I almost throw it out the window, consider throwing it into a trash bin, but I can't. I shove it in my pocket in case of an emergency, but I don't read his messages. If I do, I might lose my resolve.
I take the thin rope around Bailey’s neck, and we quickly head to the Cathedral.
What if they’re looking for me right now? What if they do go to the Cathedral after all? I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. I don’t know how to get away. And with that knowledge, I quicken my pace. I’m running all the way to the Cathedral, my trainers slapping on the ground in front of me.
The bells chime. Is it time for mass? What will I do if Father MacGowen isn't there? What will I do if he can't help me? I have no idea.
Bailey instinctively knows that I'm on the run, for he doesn't slow but keeps pace beside me, and somehow the sound of his little paws slapping the pavement beside me comforts me. Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe I can find a place for the two of us.
There are cars in front of the Cathedral when I arrive, but I don't look at them. I go back to the cemetery.
Where it all began.
