“I mean, it’d be pretty cruel of your parents, but I wouldn’t hold it against you.”
My eyes begin to drift shut, and I take the hand he rested on my hip and tuck it under my arm. “You’re a great snuggler. You shouldn’t be holding back on people. Mm…actually, I don’t want you giving cuddles to anyone else. Unless it’s a puppy. That’s highly encouraged.”
“Puppies only. Got it.”
I feel him shift forward, then move his head back to where it was.
“Did you just sniff my hair?”
“I think you’re a little delirious,” he says after shifting his body slightly.
All I’m thinking about is singing the Sandra Bullock serenade to Benjamin Bratt fromMiss Congeniality.But I hold back from teasing him about being into me and decide not to push at those barriers he’s putting up, mostly since I am, in fact, delirious. But a vulnerability lingers with the lack of eye contact, and maybe the likelihood that I won’t remember any of this in the morning will help him open up.
“Jack?”
“Hmm?”
“Please don’t shut me out…”
The rise of his chest brushes against my back with his inhale. “We barely know each other. We shouldn’t confuse the emotion of all this?—”
I snort out a chuckle, cutting him off. “We both know that’s not what’s happening. You’re scared.”
“Maybe I am, but I have my reasons.”
Screw this. I can’t have this conversation with my back to him. I push against his chest, rolling to my back to face him, even if it’s just to catch the faintest glint from the moon in his eyes.
“Help me understand. ‘Cause it feels like you’re pushing me away so you don’t get hurt again.”
He glares at me. “I’m literally spooning you.”
“It’s a green flag, but you know that’s not what I meant. Please tell me what happened, Jack?”
His eyes bounce around my face, his breathing becoming more rapid. I want to hug him so badly, but he needs to let this thing he’s been carrying out. I know it in the same way I know I can’t be a sports journalist or wear three-quarter-length jeans. This secret he’s keeping is a suffocating weight,one he can only lift by talking about it, by telling someone the truth.
“Why didn’t you like being touched?” I press when he remains silent.
He lets out a humorless laugh. “Pretty sure I still don’t, except with you…”
I know I’m tripping on pain meds…but that’s as gooey and swoon-worthy as I’m imagining, right?
“Jack…”
He releases a sharp exhale, rolling to his back as he speaks to the sky like it’ll hold all his secrets.
“I lost someone—my partner in the force.”
“Tell me…” I whisper.
“His name was Doug. I failed him when he needed me the most.”
“I don’t know what happened, but I know you well enough that I’m pretty certain you didn’t fail him. Not without thinking you were making the best decision at the time.”
“He wanted to wait,” he continues, as if I hadn’t said anything. “We had this huge drug case we were working on, and I was cocky, riding the high of a streak of closed cases.”
He sounds like the whole canyon is sitting on his chest as he lets out a heavy breath. “He said something felt off, but for the first time in my career, I ignored my gut and pushed ahead. We’d gotten a tip-off that an exchange was happening that night, possibly human trafficking…and I leaped into the unknown without waiting for backup.”
His gritty throat clearing punctuates the air, along with a weighty pause. The wind whistles like it’s urging him on, and he lets out another heavy exhale.
