"Killian, I've never had sex before." I thought I'd kind of made that clear last night when we kissed. Just like you don't have to be in a relationship to have sex, you don't have to kiss to have sex either.
"I am aware. I want to have sex with you. To be your first.”
"Ah!" I don't know why the small scream leaves me, but it does. "You don't just say it and it happens. You have to like be sitting on the couch with me." I point over to the living room area of the suite. "Then you slowly make moves on me. Maybe put your hand on my knee and your arm around me. Cop a feel. It builds from there." That’s how it usually works, not always, based off of some of the romance books I’ve read, but most times.
"I can do that." He walks over to the couch and sits down. I stare at him.
"Killian, have you had sex before?" I ask. "Wait, don't answer that." I hold my hands out in a stop motion. "I don't want to hear about you with other women," I admit.
"It would upset you if I had?" I nod. It actually makes me feel a little stabby, and I'm not a violent person except when playing video games. I'm not going to tell Killian about the stabby thing. He'll think I'm crazy. It's better for him to slowly learn about my oddness. No need to warn him that he’s only seen the tip of the iceberg. "It should not. I?—"
"It doesn't bother you knowing about the men I've been with?"
His face darkens. "You said there's never been anyone." He stands. "Names."
I burst into laughter. "Are you jealous?" I bounce slightly on my heels, loving that he’s having this reaction.
"Homicidal."
"Homicidal." I snort. "There is no one. I was only saying I'm guessing you wouldn't want to hear about me with other people, not that there are, like, I don't want to hear about you with other people." I watch him relax.
"There is no one." He sits right back.
"I mean, like, ever. Not just this second."
"There is only you." I open my mouth to speak again, but he beats me to it. "Ever." I press my lips back together. "Sit, and I'll put my hand on your knee." I walk over toward him, not sure how to respond to what he said yet. I don't sit beside him. Instead, I brace my hands on his shoulders and sit in his lap, straddling him, making my dress rise up to mid-thigh.
Killian puts his hands on my hips but then moves them to my knees. It's the cutest thing ever, and I can't stop myself from pressing my mouth to his. That has him moving his hands quickly. They wrap around me and pull me more into his giant body as our tongues stroke against each other's.
"I want you," he says when the kisses break. I can feel his hardness pressing against my panties.
"Why do you want me if you've never been with anyone else before?" His dark brows pull together.
"I don't know. I just know you're different. How I feel around you." People always ask others why they love them. Killian and I aren't talking about love, but I don't believe that it can be explained. It's magical. That's why there is love at first sight. A deeper part of you simply recognizes your other half. "You don't care for this answer?"
"I love it." If Killian has never dated or been with another woman, his past leads me to believe one thing: He has neverloved or been loved. I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sadness at that.
How can such a good, kind, upstanding man have never known love in his life? I may not have had a ton of friends growing up, but I never questioned whether I was loved or not.
I'm going to change that. I'm going to love the hell out of Killian. Even if it kills me.
Chapter Fourteen
KILLIAN
Fuck, she feels good against me. I hate when people are close, but my Teddy Bear is different. When she asked me why, I didn't have an answer. I'm still trying to understand and reason with it myself, but the truth is, it doesn't matter.
It is what it is, and I know there is no going back at this point. I can’t imagine a life without her in it anymore. The thought of it makes me feel lonely. Something that I once enjoyed is now my worst fear since Teddy fell into my life.
Right now, I need to focus on keeping Teddy close and her wanting to stay that way. I'm not sure what would happen if she did try to get away from me. I've done a lot of fucked-up shit in my life. It doesn't matter if it was for the right cause or not. I did it, and more than a few times I enjoyed it.
Teddy presses her soft little body into mine. I should shower. These are the same hands I used to beat the shit out of that toothpick-having carnie. There had been blood on my shirt that my innocent girl thought was food splatter. I suppose he might be food at this point. Wild animals move in quickly.
I'd given him a chance to make it right. Which I'd only done because of Teddy. I think that's what she would have wanted, but then he'd gone and popped off at the mouth, and I popped himback. I'll admit I was only going to rough him up, but when he commented on my Zolotse, I saw red.
I thought that shit was a saying. It is not. None of my hits or kills have ever been personal. They’ve all been jobs to me. The same way people go to their nine-to-fives every day is the way I normally approach my line of work.
What I told her has made her happy, and she wiggles in my lap. I fight a groan. I’ve never groaned in pleasure before.
