“Why you? Wouldn’t it be better to ask someone within that organization? Maybe someone who no longer works for that company, or else someone who’s less closely involved with the partner?”
“This colleague she wants me to talk to is a…mutual acquaintance of ours,” I say haltingly. “So it would be totally not-suspicious for me to chat this person up over coffee. But if she reaches out to anyone else in the other organization directly, it’ll be a flashing neon sign that she’s poking around about the new partner. And if it gets back to the new partner, I guess it’d show a lack of trust that might make them skittish about moving forward.”
Armani silently mulls it over while he refills his coffee from the carafe on the table. I finish the last of my breakfast, waiting for him to speak.
“Would this fact-finding mission put you at risk in any way?” he finally asks.
I pause. “It…could. If people found out I did this for her, it wouldn’t reflect well on me. It’s not like I’m a key player in the consulting world like she is, but my reputation is something I’d like to protect. And I don’t want our mutual acquaintance to feel like I betrayed them by digging for this information.”
“Got it,” he says. “Is there anything else that makes you uncomfortable about her request?”
Glancing down, I admit, “I think just the fact that I’m supposed to be sneakily asking these questions of a mutual acquaintance.” I look back up and add, “Honestly, I would do anything for my best friend. I want to do the right thing and make sure nothing bad happens to her. But this doesn’t feel good.”
I’m embarrassed by the tears stinging my eyes, but that last bit came from the deepest part of my soul. The part that’s been struggling all this time with the Bruno-Bellanti war and how I’m processing my feelings for Armani differently than I did before I knew him.Reallyknew him, and the rest of his family.
The truth is, I’ve come to realize that the things Juliana has told me about the Bellantis don’t always align with what I see with my own eyes, or the information I’ve gathered myself or through Armani. My role has blurred so much. I can’t see the way forward anymore.
“This is your best friend, you said?” Armani asks gently.
I nod. “We met at UCSF. I was kind of a lost cause, but she took me under her wing. She made me…better. We’ve been like sisters ever since. She helped me through some really dark times.”
“Did you express to her that you’re not comfortable doing what she’s asking you to do?”
“Not directly. I hinted at it.”
“Okay. I see two problems.” He leans over his forearms on the table and holds my gaze. “First, if she were as devoted a friend to you as you seem to be to her—and I can hear in your voice how much you care for her—she would have recognized your hesitation for what it was and withdrawn her request. She would have respected your feelings on the matter and put you first. But she didn’t.”
I take a sip of coffee, blown away by the soft, considerate way he spoke just now.
He’s also not wrong. Juliana knows I’m hesitant to continue spying on the Bellantis and I made it pretty clear that I think her rushed marriage is a mistake. What would she say if I told her I was done helping her altogether? Would she disown me if I dropped out completely? I really don’t know.
“You’re right,” I finally respond. “You said there were two problems. What’s the other one?”
“That you onlyhintedat not wanting to help her, instead of asserting yourself and saying no.”
“I’m not good at saying no. Especially to her.”
Armani seems to weigh his words, tapping his fingers on the tabletop, and then says, “After meeting your family and hearing about how you grew up, I can understand that. Your father and brothers didn’t give you many opportunities for asserting your wants and needs. And when you did, they were brushed aside. Experiences like that, especially at a young age, teach you that speaking up is worthless. That what you want is worthless, particularly compared to the wants of others.”
Slightly stunned at the corner this conversation has turned, I give myself a moment to shore up my feelings before responding. “You’d make a pretty good therapist, Mr. Bellanti.”
“Maybe. I think I’d hate it. But my point is, all that stuff you internalized—it’s all lies. What you wantmatters. That little kid inside you who thinks they don’t count? That’s not who you are anymore. Even if you sometimes feel like it is. You’ve had to overcome a lot of shit, a lot of obstacles, a lot of long fucking odds to get where you’re at, and that makes you stronger than you realize. You have power.
“From what you’re telling me, though, it seems like this friend may also be happy to take that power away from you. Not necessarily on purpose. Maybe she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. But either way, it’s not serving you. I think if you were accustomed to telling her how you really feel all the time, she’d be able to read you better. Instead, she’s free to take advantage of your need to please her.”
Fuck, he’s good. Juliana did teach me to be more assertive, but not where she’s concerned. Between her and me, I’ve always been the pleaser. The codependent one. Displeasing her makes me unhappy and anxious and I never realized until right this second just how unbalanced our dynamic is.
Armani could have twisted this a different way. He could have encouraged me to go through with something I’m not comfortable with to make my friend happy, just to make the point that it’s okay to sacrifice my feelings to please someone else—someone like him. But he didn’t. In fact…looking back, it dawns on me that for all the uncomfortable things he’s put me though, he’s always given me the opportunity to change my mind or say no or back out. Except for our wedding, of course.
And knowing him like I do now, I truly believe that his motivation for marrying me was to protect his family. They always come first. He did what he thought was necessary.
Now, it’s time for me to do the same.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it.”
“Hey.” The tenderness in his voice draws my full attention. “Don’t let her or anyone else make you feel powerless. Trust your intuition, go with your gut, and do what you know is right. If you decide to talk to the coworker and want me to tag along, I will.”
He checks his watch and stands, and with one last look at me, nods and walks out of the room.
