“I will,” I said, clutching my exam. “Thank you so much.”
As I left Dhawan’s office, I felt a fresh surge of determination to pull my grades back up. After bombing my most recent Intro to Psycholinguistics test, which had shocked both me and my professor, I’d scheduled an appointment with Dhawan to go over the questions I’d missed. It wasn’t that the information wasn’t sticking—but that I was so behind in my coursework, I hadn’t had time to catch up on all the reading assignments that would have prepared me for the test.
When I’d woken up in bed this morning, I’d wanted nothing more than to spend all day fantasizing about the new turn in my marriage. About what it had become, and what it was still becoming. Though my husband had already left for work, I could still smell the scent of his cologne on his pillow, clean and masculine, and I could have easily lolled around all morning, replaying the intimate night we’d had in minute detail.
But I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to focus.
So I’d dragged myself into the shower and gotten ready for school, all with a big smile on my face. I had practically skipped across campus to the Social Sciences building, my body still tingling from where Stefan had touched me. And licked me. And stroked me. He was almost like a heady drug and I was completely, utterly addicted to everything about him.
Receiving our graded tests back in Psycholinguistics had sent me crashing back down to Earth, though. I’d known I was slipping behind with my assignments, but the C-in red ink across the top of the test booklet was like a sock to the gut. It was still a passing grade, but my whole grade point average was now in danger, and I could lose my partial scholarship. I felt sick.
Instead of spiraling into panic, though, I’d stayed after class to ask Dhawan if we could talk more about the exam. She’d agreed to meet me later that afternoon, and I’d visited her during office hours to go over the test questions together.
I was in no danger of failing any of my classes, but it was clear to me that I wasn’t fully engaged in the program the way I wanted to be—the way I needed to be. Studying linguistics at UChicago had been my dream—was still my dream—and I hated the thought that I’d been basically sleepwalking through my courses. It was a disservice to both me and my colleagues. I’d have to put my nose to the grindstone and stop letting distractions get in my way. Between skipping study group with my friends and my complicated relationship with Stefan, I’d let myself fall way too far behind.
That wasn’t me. I wasn’t someone who felt comfortable with mediocrity, with the bare minimum, especially when it came to something that I hoped to dedicate my life to.
The only place I wanted to be was at the top of my class.
Now that things were in a much better place between Stefan and me, I hoped I’d be able to concentrate on acing my classes again, and absorbing as much knowledge as I possibly could.
As I headed to my next class, I sent Stefan a quick text telling him that I was going to be home late because I’d be studying at school.
I’ll be waiting for you then, he responded.Deal?
He was really coming around. I couldn’t help smiling at his text.
Deal, I typed back.
I skipped lunch in order to go to Harper and take copious notes from my psycholinguistics text, and after that I was on cloud nine for the rest of my classes that day. I was already getting a handle on things. My mood was so evident that a few of my classmates even asked if I’d gotten any good news recently, since I looked so happy.
“Just having a good day,” I told them cheerfully.
Even though it was nearly winter and frigid outside, I barely felt the cold as I headed to the Regenstein Library where my study group was meeting. The place was open until 11 at night, but I planned to be out before then, even though my friends seemed to thrive on all-nighters.
As I pushed open the door, I had a brief moment of doubt that made my pulse speed up and my smile falter. Despite the texts I’d continued to exchange with Gavin and my girlfriends, what if coming back to study group out of nowhere like this was weird? After all, I’d basically ditched them after the incident at the club and had begun spending all my time studying at home or at Kahve alone. I might have permanently thrown off the balance.
Part of me debated turning around and heading to my coffee shop, to Reyyan and her expertly brewed Turkish roast. Where I could hide out at my corner table and bury myself in my textbooks. But I convinced myself I was being ridiculous.
Taking a last deep breath outside of Room 206, the usual location of our sessions, I opened the door and stepped inside.
“Aggghhhh she’s back!” Lila squealed.
I couldn’t help laughing as Diane launched herself into me for a quick hug.
“I see you guys in class every day,” I said. “It’s not like I’ve been M.I.A.”
“But we all miss your intellect,” Audrey pointed out. “Especially Gavin.”
Glancing over at him, I couldn’t help noticing the faintest blush tinging his cheeks.
He gave me a nod, trying to suppress those dimples. “Glad you could make it. Your epistemology insights are always much appreciated.”
“Thanks,” I said, feeling like I had never left.
There was no sign that they had felt abandoned or ignored during my brief absence, and for that I was beyond grateful.
As we got into our notes, I realized I’d forgotten how easy it was to be around them, how well we all jived when it came to our shared passion for languages and learning. They were incredibly helpful catching me up, sharing their notes and going over the study guides, especially Gavin. I’d missed his kind patience, the way he was always so attentive toward me.
