“I like you too,” I say, then realize maybe this isn’t that. Maybe it’s thethis isn’t you, it’s meconversation. Sometimes I really should keep my mouth shut. “But there’s a but…” I add.
Just shut up, Miles.
“I know I’m a little fucked up, okay? I know I’m not the nicest person. I’m just… I have a lot going on.”
“I can see that.”
“I don’t mean to take it out on you or anyone else. I don’t mean to run off or make you feel bad. I’m a mess, and I’ve been panicking lately.”
I nod in agreement.
“I don’t want it to spill onto you,” he says. “It’s not fair, and I’m trying…”
“I—”
“But I’m too selfish to stop myself from…” He gestures between us. “This. Whatever this is.”
“It doesn’t have to be serious, JJ. I’m not asking for more. I’m fine with what we’re doing. But…” I clear my throat and think over my words. I need to stand up for myself and say how I feel, or this will never work. Especially if he’s spilling his guts to me.Now is the chance for me to speak my feelings, too. “The sudden mood changes are difficult. I think we’re fine and then suddenlyyougo somewhere else, like you’re a different person. Then a short time later… you’re leaving and not talking to me for days or a week. Then you pop back up like everything is okay. It’s just very confusing.”
He comes to sit beside me. “I don’t want to be that person. I really don’t.”
“Then why are you?” My voice is small, but I’m proud I got the words out.
“I don’t know how to be any different.” He takes my hand and looks me in the eyes. “But I really want to try.”
I nod, not sure what else to say.
He sighs, dropping his head. “My brother called me and asked me to meet him this morning. I’m sorry I ran out like that. I should have explained, but I panicked.”
“Because of your brother?”
“Because of how serious this feels, even though it’s not.”
“You think it feels serious? Have I made you feel that way? Because I swear I’m not trying to. I—”
“No,” he says softly. “No, it’s not you. It’s just the way I feel when I’m with you, and it’s not a bad thing, it’s just… kind of scary. Different. Not what I’m used to, and definitely not what I was expecting.”
“Okay…” I lick my lips, trying to process what he’s saying. “So, you agree that things are casual between us, but you feel like it’s more?”
“Kind of? I know that doesn’t make sense. I guess it’s just because I’m so comfortable with you.” He huffs a laugh. “And I’m not used to feeling that. I don’t get comfortable with many people. In fact, there’s only a few, and two of them are my brothers.”
“I can’t say I understand that because I’m a people-person, but I believe what you’re saying. So, I can see how it can be scary if it’s something you’re not used to.” I turn to face him more. “What can I do to help?”
“Just don’t change,” he says, like he knew this is what he wanted to say the entire time. “I’m trying hard to figure my shit out, and I really like who you are. I especially like who I am when I’m with you… minus the little freak-outs.”
“Been this way my whole life, so…” I chuckle. He smiles. Then he leans in, grasps my chin gently, and kisses me.
“Miles, there’s something I need to tell you—something I need to explain, but I…” He looks away for a moment. “I’m not ready to get into it just yet. I hope that’s okay.”
My chest gets a little tight, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s opening up to me and I’m happy, or if it’s a warning sign that I should run…
“I don’t expect your life’s story, JJ. We haven’t known each other that long.”
He glances at me. “Then why does it feel like I’ve known you forever?”
JJ stays for a while. We put on a movie, and he tells me how Audrey forced him to accept a ride home this morning. I can’t stop laughing about it because Audrey isn’t usually so pushy, but I’m sure there was a reason for it. And I’m sure she’ll tell me all about it when she gets me alone.
“Maybe she didn’t get much sleep.”
