I take a while to think about that because I don’t know anymore, but I worry that being truthful will make him ask more questions. I have this bad habit of telling him too much, and I don’t want to bring my marriage into this. It’ll ruin it.
I don’t want him to run. It’s selfish, and I’m putting him in a position he may not want to be in. I know that’s wrong, but… I want something good for me, just once. Miles is that.
“I just want to be happy,” I say.
“Well, yeah,” he says. “But what would make you happy?”
“I think that changes by the day. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting through a shift without anyone dying.”
“JJ… I’m sorry.”
“I love my job,” is what I say. “I do, it’s just that sometimes it’s a lot, and some days it’s hard to focus on anything else, even after my shift is over.”
“Maybe—never mind,” he says.
“Tell me.”
“No, never mind.”
“Miles, please?”
He sighs. “I don’t want to sound rude, but every time I get personal, you run away. And I really like talking to you, JJ.”
My chest aches.
“I like talking to you too,” I admit. “I promise I won’t run. I’m very comfortable on my couch. Tell me what you were going to say.”
He takes another heavy breath. “I was just going to say that maybe if you found the right person, you wouldn’t have to carry all that weight alone. Maybe coming home to something other than an empty house with no television would make you a littlehappier. Someone you could talk to. Opening up isn’t easy, I get that, but it could help.”
There’s a heavy weight on my chest, like the phone suddenly gained a thousand pounds, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I clear my throat and try a couple of times before the words come out.
“I put up my television today,” I say, trying to be funny.
“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, you did say that.” He huffs a laugh, but he doesn’t think this is funny either.
“My life is so fucked up,” I whisper, the emotion back. I’m staring at the TV, but it’s all blurry.
“You can talk to me about it.”
I shake my head, not even knowing where to begin.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or don’t want to?” He’s still being gentle, but he’s growing frustrated with me. Miles will be just another thing that I fuck up. And since I already know that he’s going to go away at some point, I give him a little bit of my truth.
“I’m afraid that if I tell you, you won’t want to talk to me anymore.”
Chapter 17
Miles
I pull up to the curb and put the car in park. Noah already has his seatbelt off and is reaching for the handle.
“Whoa,” I say. “Hold up. That’s the street. Let me get out first.”
I get out of the car and pull his door open, crouching down to look him in the eyes.
“I know you’re excited, but safety first, Noah. You can’t jump out of the car and into the street.”
