What he said… is that how I feel? No. Not really. I’m not afraid to commit. I already have. What I’m afraid of is never getting what I want.
Do I want to tell Miles that? I should be honest with him. I should open up a little. There’s no reason I shouldn’t—Miles is a good person. He isn’t going to throw this back in my face later. He’s never used anything against me and has been nothing but understanding during all my freakouts when he probably should have turned my ass away by now.
“Not really,” I say, my voice rough.
“Oh, okay—”
“I got a bunch of peanut butter cups!” Noah shouts as he jumps off the curb, landing right in front of us.
“Do you like those?” Miles asks.
“It’s candy! Of course I do.”
We move onto the next house. Noah runs up the path and rings the doorbell.
The conversation between Miles and me isn’t done, and I don’t know why I feel the need to do this now, out in public with all these people. I’ve had the opportunity to talk to him about plenty of things alone in his house, but that feels too… stifling, I guess. This is easier. More casual. There are a lot of things to change the subject to.
“I’ve felt like I was ready to settle down for a while. My whole life, maybe. I don’t feel like I’m too young to do it.”
Miles elbows me, giving me a cute smile. “That’s because you’re old.”
I appreciate that he can make a joke without me being offended. The comment still lands a little too hard, though.
“Yeah…”
He puts his hand on my forearm. “I’m kidding, JJ. You’re not old.”
“I’m getting older, and I’ve wasted too much time being unhappy—trying to learn to live with my situation instead of accepting that I need to walk away.”
“Are you talking about work?” he asks, his brows furrowing.
I stare at him, right into his bright, concerned eyes. The truth almost falls from my mouth.
“Can I go to that house over there, Uncle Miles?” He points across the street. Miles looks both ways.
“Yeah, go ahead.”
Noah hurries over and we follow.
“Not work. I love my job. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do, and I don’t want to change it.”
“Then what else is going on?”
Now’s your chance. Just tell him.
But I don’t say anything, and once again, Miles puts his hand on my arm. “You can talk to me. I promise I won’t judge you.”
That’s hard to believe.
When this first started, I wasn’t worried about spilling my secret to Miles. He was just another hookup. Just another person to lose myself in for the night, to forget how shitty my life is. This was supposed to be simple—a one-time thing. Yet, somehow, it’s becoming everything but simple. In fact, I’m making it messier by the day.
“I have a lot of trauma from when I was a kid,” I admit, once again feeling just a little lighter. I can give him parts of me in small doses, but I think that’s all I can do.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. Of course you don’t have to talk to me, but if you want to, I will listen.”
I’ve lost count of how many times he’s said that. I’m starting to believe it.
Chapter 27
