“Three years,” I admit.
Her mouth drops open again. “Three years? Sadie, that’s a crime against womanhood. Thank God for Zach. Four words I never thought I’d say.” She lets out a mouthful of air. “Okay, so this could be good. Like a transition. You’ve reawakened yourself. Maybe he’s the guy you use to start your libido up. Like a jump start.”
I frown, not liking the sound of that at all. “I didn’t use him.”
She tips her head to the side. “Do you want more from him?” she asks.
The question catches me off guard. I stare at her, trying to find the answer somewhere in my half-empty brain. “I don’t know,” I say finally. “I think I went into it wanting exactly what he offered. Something physical, simple, no promises. But now…”
Romy raises an eyebrow. “Now it doesn’t feel simple?”
“No,” I admit, the word barely a whisper, thinking about the way he took care of me. The way I didn’t feel alone for the first time in forever.
“So whatdoyou want?” Romy says again. It feels like she’s digging so deep it hurts.
I rub my thumb along my chin. “I thought I wanted uncomplicated,” I say quietly. “But it turns out I don’t want that at all.”
Romy leans over the counter, bumping my shoulder with hers. “Welcome to the club.”
I give her a wry smile, though I’m not sure I want to be part of this club. And then I send a message back to Zach, because we’re not playing games anymore.
I’m fine. Thank you for breakfast. And the clothes. And last night. I hope you have a good day. – Sadie
There. A message a friend would send a friend. That’s good isn’t it?
Even if it hurts my heart just a little bit.
ZACH
“It’s not abnormal to experience some level of bright lights and vision loss after physical exertion,” Dr. Rogan says to me. “And sex is physical exertion.”
“But I was rested. The floaters started when I woke up.” And I’m shit scared they’re coming more often.
“There’s still so much we have to learn. The effects of body chemicals, of the heart, of brain patterns,” he tells me. “But please try not to worry. It’s not a sign that you’re deteriorating, and it’s certainly not a sign you should refrain from any physical activity, including sex. Just keep an eye on it, and if things don’t improve, let me know.”
I nod, feeling sheepish, because when I woke in the middle of the night I was convinced that was it. I was going to go into a downward spiral quickly, because I wanted her too much.
“And I can still drive?” I ask.
“Did you drive here?”
I nod. “My vision cleared up after a bit.” I waited for the floaters to go before I got in the car. “But what if it gets worse while I’m driving?”
He steeples his fingers together, looking at me carefully. “You should still be able to see enough to pull over safely. The visual field tests we’ll run regularly will tell us when it’s time for you to give up.”
Because it will happen. That’s what he’s telling me. Eventually I won’t see clearly enough to drive.
Or work. Or see the face of the woman I can’t stop thinking about.
And truth be told, I’m still thinking about her two hours later as I drive off the ferry and back onto the island. And I take a left instead of a right, because that way takes me past the bookshop.
Fuck, I’m an idiot. She says she was fine. But I was the asshole who let her wake up alone because I’m too fucking proud to let her see me panicking.
Through the window of the shop, I see her laughing with a customer. And my eyesight is still good enough for me to see she’s changed into a pretty green dress.
Laughing, head tipped back, eyes soft, hands flying in the air as she talks.
She looks alive. Electric. Untouched by the war I feel in my chest.
